I am writing because my wife just hit me with “I want another kid.” It’s no surprise—she comes from four—and she has always said she wanted a big family. I was okay with that before I had two of my own. Now, not so much!
I have two of the most beautiful children anyone could ask for. They are so cute. Our first was a charm. For the most part an easy child, easily changed, potty trained at two, speaks clearly, so sweet, a great kid.
Our second was a problem from the start, screaming uncontrollably, kicking when changed, and crying “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!” He didn’t sleep well for a year and a half and is a pain in the rear compared to number one. Number two won’t leave mommy’s side, plain and simple, but that’s not my problem.
My wife has now resorted to Mafia-like strong-arm tactics. “I am not fulfilled, I need another, if we don’t have number three I will get over it but I will need to talk to somebody…” She gave me the cold shoulder for three weeks following our wedding anniversary because I said no to number three.
She says she has 100 reasons to have it, and wants five good reasons from me. That I want my time isn’t valid, and neither is the cost of a child. I am nearly 40, have chronic back issues, and don’t want to deal with picking up a kid when I am 50. What do I do?
Irv
Irv, an expert on aging, Gary Small, once remarked that men and women differ in cognitive abilities. Typically, men have an edge in math and spatial abilities, while women have superior verbal and language skills. But as Small says, “When I mentioned this to my wife, she nearly managed to talk me out of it.”
Your wife may be an expert in verbal jujitsu, but there is only one reason for having a child. Both parents hope to bring a child into the world. That decision cannot result from coercion.
This issue has opened a fissure in your marriage. On your side, you can argue your wife hasn’t been denied motherhood, and she can argue she always told you she wanted a big family. If you don’t give in to her, she can punish you in a hundred ways; if you do give in, three years from now she may want a fourth child. A victor gets a taste for the spoils.
But what both arguments come down to is: I want what I want.
Researchers in a field called signal detection have found human beings can detect amounts of energy so tiny they can barely be measured. Why does that matter? Because it suggests that even the smallest tension between you and your wife will be felt by your children and impair their lives. We are physical beings who feel physical pressures even at faint levels.
Why not take a cue from the Native American tribes who held consultations in which each person was encouraged to explain their point of view without interruption or criticism. Over many days people would sit and confer, and let their real fears, real reasons, and real hopes come out. Each perspective was aired, and punishments and arm-twisting forbidden.
There was no spirit of argument, and talk would continue until there was a consensus. If you and your wife do this, we suggest you begin by talking about the damage to your marriage this is causing, because you both have options which include ruining the marriage.
Either you will reach genuine agreement or you won’t. If you don’t, there is the answer. No baby. But whatever decision you reach it must be mutually embraced—not accepted—but embraced. That’s the only way to make this decision and the only way to bring a child into the world.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .
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