Let Him Lead / Approaching Storm
Let Him Lead
I ended my marriage after 15 years. I’ve been separated for five years and haven’t dated anyone. I really had no interest in dating. In July I met the father of my son’s friend. He, too, is separated and has been for four years.
In his case his wife ended the marriage. He was devastated. He indicated at one time he could never go through that again. His son lives with him, and since the boys are together all the time, we talk often. We’ve become good friends and enjoy talking to each other.
I’m becoming attracted to him. He has all the qualities I look for. He has a wonderful personality, a sense of humor, and a closeness to his family. He is interesting and kind. I find it hard to decide if he is attracted to me but afraid of getting involved with anyone, or not attracted to me at all.
We have not yet gone on a date. He did invite my two boys and me to his camp this summer for the day, and had the boys and I to his camp for Thanksgiving dinner with some of his family. While talking to him the next day, I told him the boys had a great time, and he asked if I had as well.
I’ve invited him to my office Christmas party, which he accepted. It is a large event with dinner and dancing. This will be the first time we will be out alone. What should I look for to determine his feelings toward me?
Elaine
Elaine, don’t make a problem which doesn’t exist. A relationship between the two of you has been slowly building. You understand his fears and concerns. So how do you address that? By letting him lead.
If you force the relationship, he will feel threatened. When he senses this is a relationship he wants, he will move forward on his own unless he sees you only as a friend and the parent of his son’s friend. Since there is no problem here—you are not dating him—act like a single, available woman.
Imagine you are a fisherman. There is a big trout in the water and you’d love to land him, but all you can do is throw your lure out there. You can’t make the fish bite, but there are other fish in the stream. Making yourself available will make you less disheartened and desperate about this one fish.
The more you try to force your lure on a fish, the greater the chance you will scare it off. Be relaxed, patient, and open to all possible relationships. Not only does that give you the greatest chance for success, it creates a desirable aura around you—the kind of aura which will attract others, including this man, to you.
Wayne & Tamara
Approaching Storm
After 10 years of marriage is it settling to be with someone who says they love you but aren’t in love with you? What if that person thinks being “in love” is a childish fantasy and grownups don’t need to be “in love” to have a happy marriage? Is being “in love” really that important?
Kim
Kim, let us assume the person who says this is your husband. Then the question for him is, how do you keep sailing once you’ve thrown out the star which guides you? What is the foundation of your captaincy? Financial security? Personal advantage? Convenience?
Circumstances change. Sickness, a business failure, or an ill wind can alter any of the reasons for being together. So can unexpected success. But love holds people together both on calm seas and when things get rough. Without love you have to keep changing why your contract should still be valid.
A marriage without love is like sailing in the Bermuda Triangle. At any time one of you might disappear forever.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com . |
Posted on Nov 26, 2007 by Site Admin
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