The Understudy
The Understudy
I am 24 and my boyfriend is 25. He was my best friend for eight years before we became a couple. For five of those years he was in a relationship. Over a year ago he broke up with this woman, and now he and I have been together nine months. She is in a relationship as well.
Neither of us has ever been happier, and we couldn’t act more like two teenagers in love. Of course, the problem is “the other woman.” Call me insecure, but I do not approve of them still being in contact with each other. She thinks I am the devil in disguise, and he knows it bothers me when they talk.
Because I’ve known him so long I can tell when he is lying. And he knows I can. Awhile back he got a phone call from her and told me it was his mother. Instead of calling him on it, I let my frustrations build until one day I exploded at him for lying to me. We agreed he would tell me if and when they talked, just to ease my mind.
After that there was no more contact…or so I thought. The other day I wanted to check my e-mail, and when he opened the window, his e-mail popped up. It was only a split second before he closed the window, but enough time for me to see about 10 messages to and from her—all very recent.
I pretended not to notice. I am not the best at talking about things like that. Obviously the fact it really hurts me when I find out they’ve been talking isn’t enough to make him shy away from her. I can’t deal with all these thoughts running through my head about what is being said.
I trust him 100 percent, but now I am doubting if I should. I am wondering the best way to fix the problem. It feels better already just being able to write my frustrations down.
Brigitte
Brigitte, at some point fantasy and reality collide. If reality wins you will be set free, and if fantasy wins, you will hope to find the counselor who can make things better. Bear one thing in mind. Right doesn’t need fixing. That’s the easiest way to tell it’s right.
Dream relationships are not built on “he’s secretly in contact with another woman.” In a true relationship you don’t feel unable to say, “Hey, what’s going on here? I know that’s not your mother.” If you brought his lies out in the open, it would make him uncomfortable and there would be no chance to pretend in the relationship.
His ex-girlfriend sees you as the devil in disguise. Why? Has she sensed you have always been waiting in the wings, trying to win him? Does she know you wanted to be his girlfriend for the eight years you were “best friends”?
When people talk about the bad effects of divorce, they seldom mention an obvious point. Some people have a fixation that cannot be satisfied until it goes to marriage and breaks down. Only then will they realize what they had in their mind doesn’t exist in reality. It never did.
Not long before his death, Joseph Campbell was asked how to tell if you are marrying the right person. He said, “You just know.” When asked if he believed there is just one person for each of us, he said, “That feels right, but I don’t believe it.”
What he meant was when you are with the right person, they so express your idea of the ideal male or female, you cannot conceive being with anyone else. His rational mind wouldn’t accept that there is only one person for each of us, but when he was with his wife, Jean, he felt it could not be any other way.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .
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Posted on Nov 19, 2007 by Site Admin
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