Harm’s Way
Harm’s Way
My younger brother and his wife called me days before my first child was born. I thought they were calling to see if the baby had arrived or to congratulate us, as I made a huge effort to fly out east when they had their first child. I helped them financially as well. However their call was stressful and rude.
I never expected them to treat me so horribly at the birth of my son! I moved across the country when I was 18 to go to college. My mother, adoptive father and I have been estranged ever since. Our parents were extremely destructive, emotionally and physically abusive. So much so I was diagnosed with PTSD and suffered from depression for many years.
My brother was favored. I have been back east to celebrate his milestones, yet my family treated me like garbage in front of my fiancé, who they were meeting for the first time. In the years I’ve lived out west they have never visited. None of them—including my brother who I took good care of when growing up—made an effort to attend my wedding!
I did not understand how this phone call started so tense and became so draining so fast. When my husband came home, he insisted I get off the phone. I try to set boundaries with my brother, but he bullies me.
Later I sent my brother an e-mail. I told him I love him and would speak to him after my son was born. The next day I was sent the ugliest most abusive letter from my sister-in-law. She attacked my character left and right, yet I flew out when her daughter was born, and we gave them thousands of dollars to help them buy their house. I’ve never mentioned that to them.
My husband and I took our only vacation to fly out and offer support when their daughter was born. I thought my brother and I were survivors who would stick together. I always thought of him with love. What should I do?
Bonnie
Bonnie, poker is interesting because it is not only a mathematically sophisticated game, it is psychologically sophisticated as well. Poker players say poker is not a card game; it is a people game played with cards.
In poker there is a basic rule known as the fundamental theorem. The fundamental theorem states that every time your opponent plays as if he can see your hand, he gains. While every time you play as if you can see your opponent’s hand, you gain.
With your brother, you are playing as if you have no knowledge of his hand. In fact, you have perfect knowledge. Give and he will take; defend yourself and he will abuse you. His strategy is no more complicated than that.
When you arrived on the planet, you were dealt an unplayable hand: an abusive stepfather, an uncaring mother, and a favored brother. At 18 you escaped, but you are still hoping to turn losing cards into a royal flush. A good poker player would tell you it’s time to mix up your play.
Is the way your family treats you just? No. Is it fair? No. Would a psychologist recommend you stay in this game? No.
A behavioral psychologist would say by treating your brother to money, time, and attention, you are strengthening his bad behavior. A developmental psychologist would say you were damaged growing up, so you must repair the damage to yourself and protect your children. Allowing them to be in contact with people who abuse their mother abuses them.
Game theory, justice, and psychology all point in one direction: minimize or eliminate contact with these people. Being estranged from your family is nothing to be ashamed of. No fault attaches to you. It is what you must do to protect your children, your husband, and yourself.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .
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Posted on Oct 15, 2007 by Site Admin
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