Blind Spot
Blind Spot
I have known this woman a bit over a year. At that time she was getting divorced from a damaging marriage. We met at a mutual friend’s birthday celebration and really hit it off. We started hanging out, going for drinks, dinner, and movies. I knew almost from day one I was interested and that interest turned into caring.
That scared me quite a bit because of previous times I started having feelings for somebody too quickly. Eventually I let my feelings slip to one of her friends I believed I could trust, and it got back to her. Almost all correspondence stopped. I would call to see how she was doing, and she would not return any of my calls.
Finally after a month of not hearing from her she would call me out of the blue and say we needed to do something soon, but the plans always fell through. And so it went for months. I later found out part of the reason she wouldn’t call back was because of whatever boyfriend she was seeing at the time.
As time went on we started hanging out again, having great conversations and exchanging playful glances. Finally I got up the guts to talk to her about all the signals I thought she was giving me. We decided to go get some dinner and see a movie.
That evening she brought a friend she had not seen in a long time. They were flirting the entire time at dinner and started making out in front of me at the movie. Needless to say I was shocked and utterly heartbroken. A few nights later, I talked to her. She said she didn’t feel the same way about me but needed my friendship. So we left it at that for awhile.
However, our relationship has evolved over time. I’ve seen her through several boyfriends and always been there for her to count on. Sometimes we hang out till the early morning hours talking about everything. In my own attempt to analyze the situation, I came to the realization the reason we didn’t get together was fear: her fear of losing me in a relationship and my fear of her rejecting my affections.
Once a mutual friend of ours told me she saw this woman doing things to get my attention and giving me looks usually reserved for those in love. So here I am wondering if she really loves me. I have no idea what to think or do about this situation.
Ed
Ed, there is an interesting short film on visual perception. In the film, six people pass around two basketballs. Half the people wear white shirts and half wear black shirts. As they pass the balls, the people move in a weave pattern. Viewers are asked to count the total number of times the balls are passed.
What viewers are not told is that a person in a gorilla suit is about to walk into the middle of the basketball players, turn and face the camera, then walk away in the other direction. More than half the people who view this film never see the gorilla. This phenomenon is called inattention blindness, and it refers to the fact that we often cannot see what we don’t expect to see.
In your case, you cannot see what you don’t want to see. A woman brought another man to your dinner and movie date with her. That was the clearest possible way to inform you that you are not in her dating circle. That is the way it has always been for her.
The reasons you think you will one day be together are like the basketball players. They keep you from seeing the gorilla. When a woman treats a man like a confidante and girlfriend, it means she is not interested in that man as a man.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Oct 03, 2007 by Site Admin
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