Warring Natures / Bound To Fail
Warring Natures
I recently moved in with a man I love deeply. We’ve been together almost two years, and the only problem we haven’t worked out is the amount of affection I want. I have a higher sex drive than him, and I think that may be part of it. Whenever he is around, I want to throw my arms around him and give him kisses.
While he has never outright denied the affection I want to give him, I can tell sometimes it may be too much for him. I find myself lying awake nights wishing he would put his arms around me without me having to initiate it, or hoping he would want to spend more time alone with me cuddling.
Sophie
Sophie, Timothy Treadwell, the subject of the movie "Grizzly Man," lived among brown bears for 13 summers. Treadwell believed he loved brown bears and sometimes even crooned 'I love you' as he approached a grizzly. In the end, the bears loved him back; they loved him to death. He and his girlfriend were eaten by bears.
Timothy Treadwell’s life illustrates the nth degree of wanting what we cannot have. Treadwell thought because he loved bears, bears should love him. You think because you want cuddling, your boyfriend should want to cuddle. You and Treadwell act as if there is no will on the other side. What about the bears? What about your boyfriend? What if it is not their nature?
The amount of physical affection a person desires depends on many things, including the nurturing they received or failed to receive in the opening years of life. It is a pattern etched into the brain. You can berate, torture, or soothe your boyfriend into sometimes giving you what you want, but that is not his natural state.
You seek a way to get what you desire because you won’t acknowledge what he is like. Acknowledging what he is like implies change on your part, and perhaps, ending the relationship. If you stay with your boyfriend, either you will be sick of pushing him, or he will be sick of your demands. When a fox and a hare try to share the same den, they are in for a lifelong battle.
Wayne & Tamara
Bound To Fail
My fiancée and I have a difficult relationship. I entered the relationship with lingering feelings for my previous girlfriend. It came down to ultimatum time, and I told the woman who is now my fiancée to move on. We carried on as before except for physical intimacy.
She started dating another but told me, 'He’s just a friend.' I believed her. As the prospect of losing her for good became real, I panicked. I opened up to her in ways I never had. I proposed and she said yes. We began planning the wedding, but under pressure from me she started dropping bombs about being sexually intimate with him. Can I trust her?
Gregg
Gregg, tit for tat, measure for measure, a taste of one’s own medicine. Is that what this is about? You pushed her away after being intimate with her. You wanted another woman who didn’t want you, and you let her know it.
She dated someone else and lied. Why? Because she hoped you would come around. She didn’t want to be left with no one, if you continued to shove her away. When you decided she was better than nothing, you proposed. Part of wanting her was someone else wanting her. Now you’ve interrogated the truth out of her - so you can shove her away again.
You don’t want to be with her, and you don’t want the insecurity of trying to find another. If this engagement goes to marriage, one day you will be standing at the altar, while your friends in the pews take bets on how long the marriage will last.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Jul 09, 2007 by Site Admin
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