What Love Isn’t
What Love Isn’t
I am in a very loving relationship with a man. From the first day we met we promised each other we would always be honest and open. This means we are extremely passionate and loving with each other.
We trust each other 100 percent, and for once in our lives, have a partner we know feels exactly the same. Despite all this, I am cautious emotionally. Because of bad experiences, I put up an emotional barrier and don’t love him to the same degree he displays love for me.
Last night I went to a party and met up with an ex-boyfriend. This is someone I loved, and I was extremely upset when we broke up. I find it hard to separate myself from him. Because I’ve only known him romantically, I find it hard to view him in a platonic way.
My ex-boyfriend asked if he could stay on my couch, because I live close-by. I obliged, and we ended up chatting on my bed. We began to kiss, and about 10 minutes later my partner knocked on the front door, which was open, and walked in on us. He is now absolutely distraught.
I can’t explain what happened. I know the words "I don’t know" are childish. I’ve been thinking a lot about this and feel I wasn’t ready to jump into such a huge, meaningful relationship so soon after my ex. I don’t see my ex romantically anymore, so I want him out of my life for playing a part in the horrible thing I’ve done.
My current partner first told me it was over, then changed his mind. He wants to give me another chance, but he is worried. I feel like I did this to destroy what we had, because it was easier than feeling the awful emotional barrier within me. I hate myself for it. It made me realize how much I am in love with this man and how deeply I care for him.
I don’t expect my partner to take me back and forgive me, just like that. I want the chance to show him how much I really do love him, and to regain the trust I lost, no matter how long it takes.
Lori
Lori, people say "I don’t know" because they are unwilling to face a truth. They know the truth will make them look bad or create a dilemma. When your ex asked if he could spend the night on your couch, what was the first thought that went through your head? He wants me back. A woman in love with another would have said, absolutely not.
Why isn’t the answer that simple? Your new boyfriend may be nice, but you don’t love him. The emotional barrier between you is that thing about your ex which you find appealing. From your ex-boyfriend’s point of view, this was simply what the law calls a crime of opportunity. He thought he might get lucky, and he almost did.
The worst thing that can happen now is you struggle to prove yourself to your new boyfriend and he goes along with it. Then your relationship will go somewhere bad, like marriage. When you stay with someone you shouldn’t be with, wrongness builds upon wrongness until there is no easy way out.
Wayne once knew a beefy, plainspoken man in his 50s named Bud. Bud and his wife had been married 35 years. Once at a party, while his wife was outside on the lawn, someone asked Bud where she was. He replied, "She’s gamboling on the green."
Gamboling is a poetic word to describe lambs and puppies at play, but it hardly fits a woman well into middle age. But for Bud the fascination his wife held for him was a constant daily presence. That’s what love is. It is not something you seek to prove or talk yourself into.
Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Jun 18, 2007 by Site Admin
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