With Aplomb
With Aplomb
My story is long, but to make it short, I am in the process of grey divorce. My marriage lasted 30 years, with three adult children I adore. To start with, there are many differences between my husband and me, culturewise and educationwise. But I helped him finish his college education while working on my master’s and Ph.D. degrees.
I helped him establish his own business. Slowly and with my support the business grew. He became famous here. Four years ago he went to a conference outside the country and came back changed. One day I caught him e-mailing a girl there and asked him about her. He said, "Don’t worry. She is younger than our daughter."
Well, somehow I believed him. I discovered nearly four years ago he married her. I was devastated, so I asked him to leave the house and I asked for a divorce. I can’t stand seeing his face. Ever since my life has changed. I am no longer the woman I used to be. I am still teaching in the university, but I lost that zest for life.
His wife is expecting a baby this summer, and we are not happy about it. My children and I are worried this woman will give us trouble in regard to our business. After all, she didn’t marry a man her father’s age out of love. I managed to change the ownership of the business to five equal shares. If my ex chooses to give her and her child anything, it has to be his share.
How can I deal with the stigma of divorce? So far I am avoiding socializing as much as possible because I am not looking for sympathy from anyone. I attended some counseling meetings which helped me, but what shall I do when I am alone? I am now 63, and this is terrifying me.
Nadia
Nadia, everything bad thrives in secrecy. Abuse, addiction, torture, betrayal, embezzlement . . . bigamy. You have nothing to hide. Hiding from the world might make people think you did something wrong, when he did. Most people, though, will feel, I hope nothing like that happens to me. And for those in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love them, it will make them very nervous.
You aren’t alone. You will always have your children, and your husband has damaged his relationship with them. The best thing you can do for the sake of your children is finish this off.
There is only one way to live life, and that is to look reality square in the face every day. You have two choices. You can bury these events in your mind, tell social lies to others, and hide out in your home, or you can commit to living each day with passion. If you do the former, you will get nervous tics and twitches, and a tummy that always acts up. If you do the latter, you will regain the zest for life you had as a small child newly arrived on the planet.
Divorce is a stigma only to the extent you allow it to be. Another woman might take these events and turn them into a hilarious story she tells at parties. There is no stigma attached to things which are beyond our control, and there is no stigma attached to us from the decisions of another.
So it is time to begin again. All the possibilities of life are before you. You have more financial freedom than most. The only things which can hold you back are between your ears. By all means, if you feel counseling is useful, then find a good counselor.
And never forget one lesson about your husband. You cannot trust him. Deal with him from a position of legal strength. Some people are entitled to the benefit of the doubt. He is not.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Jun 10, 2007 by Site Admin
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