20/20 Vision
20/20 Vision
Thank you for your column today, I found it very helpful. Although you wrote about children of alcoholics it could apply to any adult children of personality disordered parents. I have been pondering what to do about my now aging PD mother and feel very sad she is unable to change her ways.
I see how being raised by her impacted my functioning. It is sad to see the impact on my siblings as well. It breaks my heart I cannot be around these people much because their behavior is so hurtful. Other relatives are judgmental that I am not more helpful to my viciously mean-spirited, yet ill, mother.
It makes me cry when I see a mother and daughter in our age group. I can’t count on my mother for anything, and she has only minimal interest in my two beautiful daughters. It’s a real struggle, and there are no support groups for adult children of nasty, mean-spirited, self-centered parents.
The part you didn’t mention is how to stop the hurt that never goes away. At my wedding I had to dress myself. Graduating with my master’s degree, my mother couldn’t help me adjust my cap, and she barred my father from the event. My father never called with congratulations, and my sister failed to show after insisting I had to invite her and uninvite my then fiancé.
My first child was born and not one moment of shared wisdom, support, or encouragement was offered. I feel utter aloneness when facing life’s struggles. What do you do with the broken heart that this is the family you were born to? Years of therapy don’t seem to take the ache away.
Adrianne
Adrianne, an old joke begins with a man going to a tailor to buy a suit. The tailor hands him a gorgeous suit, but when he tries it on, the man sees one sleeve is longer than the other. The tailor suggests tugging on the short sleeve to make it longer. However, then the suit doesn’t button properly. So the tailor tells the man to carry his head to one side and thrust out the opposite elbow.
Now the suit fits perfectly. So the man buys the suit and walks out of the store. Two other men spot him on the sidewalk. One says to the other, "What a beautiful suit! But what do you suppose is wrong with the poor devil wearing it?"
Some suits will never fit. For us, time moves in only one direction. Naturally you want a good relationship with your mother, but you cannot change the past. You must stop expecting her to be anything but what she is.
Novelist Philip Roth once wrote a line that goes, 'Obedience is embraced to lower the stakes.' In other words, following moral and biological rules is supposed to make life easier for us. There is a moral precept about honoring our parents, and it is our nature to do so. But with cruel parents, obedience to the rule doesn’t help. Following those rules makes life worse.
Your relatives either are speaking from cliché and don’t have any real knowledge, or they want you to wallow with them in misery, like the friend who doesn’t want you to succeed. You are not helping them by pretending things are anything but what they are. You are not helping your children by doing that, and you are certainly not helping yourself.
Swiss psychologist Alice Miller has often described what it is like to grow up in a home with disordered parents, and how to overcome the harmful effects. After reading three or four or five of her books you will realize, though you were raised in a damaging way, you can still have a wonderful life. As the mother of two beautiful daughters, the dream of a wonderful mother/daughter relationship is within your grasp.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Jun 04, 2007 by Site Admin
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