Misdiagnosed
Misdiagnosed
I’m hoping you might be able to give me some insight. After nearly eight years of marriage, my husband announced he does not want our life together, doesn’t feel the same about me anymore, and is moving out to find himself.
During our three counseling sessions following this announcement, I sensed he wasn’t interested in working things out, and he admitted this was in fact true. This last year has been rough on us. I’m finishing my last year of medical school, and I have been offered wonderful opportunities to travel and obtain specialized training. So I’ve been gone quite a bit, and when I’m home I’m insanely busy.
I don’t think I could say our relationship has been the best it’s been, but the end of the craziness of med school is very close, and I have a good job lined up. My husband always said he supports me in my career ambitions. Now he says he feels we have our own separate lives, and furthermore has felt that way for a long time.
I’m hurt and confused why he wouldn’t say anything to me. I knew he had been down for awhile, but when I asked him what was wrong, he would say he didn’t like his job or was disillusioned with the degree program he had chosen. Now the truth comes out.
I’m willing to put our relationship as priority number one, since I take my marriage vow very seriously and don’t believe it is right to run away from problems. Obviously our problems are mainly with good communication, since he could never tell me he felt our relationship was going under.
I trusted him wholeheartedly to live up to the commitment we made each other. I realize commitments take work, which I’m willing to accept, but it seems he is not. I believe our problems are fixable. He’s not sure he even wants to be married. What’s the best way to understand how someone who says he loves you keeps a secret like this?
Frieda
Frieda, you want to see this in terms of right and wrong, with your husband the guilty party for withholding his feelings. We could as easily view you as the physician who noted all the patient’s symptoms but failed to make the correct diagnosis because it was not in her self-interest to do so.
Viewing your marriage in terms of right and wrong doesn’t make sense. Ordinary good people don’t want to play the nagging spouse, so they conceal their feelings. It’s a normal pattern of behavior. Your husband stayed with you until a major goal was within your grasp, and that is to his credit. He didn’t want to be responsible for your failure.
You would have liked a prewarning before the end, but that’s like asking the camel to turn around and tell you which straw will be the last. It simply doesn’t happen that way. Marriage is fundamentally an emotional connection, which is why putting your marriage at the top of your to-do list is not likely to succeed.
Too much of life is lost if we say love can be manipulated. If that can be manipulated, then everything can be manipulated. Was the rose given to me because he loves me, or given to cajole me because he felt it was necessary? Is the compliment sincere, or did someone say, give her a compliment every day? If we live a life where people can manipulate our emotions, or work on them, then we will never know the meaning of the rose.
No one in med school says to put your marriage first. Heck, no one even tells you to put sleep first. For four years your spouse has been the pursuit of a career. That is what pulled your heart and mind. That’s where your attention has been. There is nothing wrong with that, it’s just not right for him.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Apr 16, 2007 by Site Admin
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