No Explanation Necessary
Last year I abruptly ended a relationship with my next-door neighbor because she used me as a convenience and did not treat me as a friend. Six months ago she sent a card explaining that she did not understand why I no longer talked to her. I did not respond.
Now she has employed the use of mutual acquaintances to get to me. I have not addressed this to them because, quite frankly, it didn’t involve them. Unfortunately, now it does. How do I address this without coming off as the 'bad guy.'
Connie
Connie, if your ultimate concern is what other people think, you are always going to lose because you don’t control the thoughts of others. Whatever baggage, home life, and previous experience in this world they have will determine what they feel about you. Since you cannot change their beliefs, ideas, or experiences, you cannot determine how they will feel about anything they come into contact with.
A person you don’t hold in high regard, or wish to have contact with, has now decided to enlist others to get what she wants. You took away her ability to use you, so she is now using others to get back to using you again.
If you are concerned what these mutual acquaintances think, you are going to put yourself under the control of others again. But if you wish to have your own life and exercise your rights as an individual on this planet, you must put how you feel about yourself, and your actions, first. Simply tell those acquaintances, despite what this neighbor may have told them, you’ve made it clear you do not wish to have contact with her.
Make it clear you are under no obligation to explain why. If we wish to be free to have our own likes, friendships, and pursuits, then we can’t allow others to impose their likes over ours. Any explanation you give will only elicit arguments from your neighbor about why she gets to have her way.
This is not a debate. This is your life, and this is your right. Users, abusers, and controllers do not take no for an answer. If you let them tie you up in justifying yourself, then they have succeeded. Simply make it clear you choose not to be around her and you are not going to let anyone else force you to.
This woman doesn’t feel you are free to run your life according to your own wishes. That she is now telling others what you did not tell them, only validates your position.
Pretending to like what you don’t like only gets you more of what you don’t want. Pretending to like people you don’t like allows users, abusers, and manipulators to use, abuse, and manipulate you. Why? Because that is their stock-in-trade. That is their cash crop.
Wayne & Tamara
Emotionally Underweight
After spending years in an emotionally abusive marriage, I finally, with the help of a therapist, was able to leave. Recently I met a man I am becoming fond of. He treats me with respect and caring. The only reservation I have is he is about 40 pounds overweight.
The night we met six months ago he told me he was in the process of losing weight, but he has not lost any so far. I’m trying to be honest with myself and ask if this is something I can overlook. If I decide to end the relationship, should I tell him the truth or say I don’t think we share the same active lifestyle?
Meagan
Meagan, there is no reason to hurt his feelings or to elicit promises of change from him. When he fails to live up to his promises, you will first be angry and afterward heartbroken. Love is not piecemeal. The reason you can’t be with him is that you don’t love him.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. |
