False Memory
False Memory
Six months ago, right before our 27th wedding anniversary, I found out from my husband he fathered a child with a woman. The child is now 20. He confessed because I found receipts in his wallet that were child support payments made to the mother. I snooped because I knew he was hiding something and I was desperate to find clues.
This affair happened during a difficult period. We’d been married seven years, and he lost his business. I remember thinking how distant he was, but my religion and faith made me always believe the best about him. Although I knew something was up, I never imagined he’d had an affair. I always chalked his behavior down to depression.
He and the woman signed some sort of agreement whereby he would help her financially, but otherwise would remain anonymous. She kept it that way for years, but around 10 years ago, he says she "blackmailed" him into giving her more money. The receipts in his wallet were payments he made to keep her quiet and not tell me what happened.
He says now the situation made him "come to himself" and break off the relationship. They had only been together maybe three or four times when he broke it off, and a month later she told him of the pregnancy. I’ve met the girl, and there is no doubt my husband is the father!
In his eyes, he’s been "faithful" to me for 20 years. He took a lie detector test, and the results are he is telling the truth. I decided to stay married to him, but I’m struggling with trust. I wonder if he is the man I want to live with.
To his credit, he now seems to have changed many of his ways and attitudes toward the marriage. He is more concerned and attentive. He says he loves me deeply and wishes he had never done this thing. I know no one can read anyone else’s mind, but do you have any advice for me?
Julia
Julia, in Washington Irving’s tale 'Rip Van Winkle' a man catches a nap in the woods and wakes up 20 years later. At first surprised to think he slept an entire night, he is stunned when he returns home and realizes he slept through the entire American Revolution. The whole pattern of his memory is called into question.
Exactly like Rip Van Winkle, you have 20 years of catching up to do. Your husband is attentive now, but you suspect the change in his behavior is the difference between you knowing his secret and not knowing. Cheaters often get to stay until the one cheated on gets their mind totally around what happened.
What will dawn on you as time goes on? You will think about the time you wanted a trip, and he said there wasn’t enough money. You will think about the time you felt especially close to him, and wonder if it really happened. You will think about the time he said he didn’t want another child, and know the reason why.
He took all the options for himself and foreclosed all of yours. If you had known the truth, you might have been married to someone else for the past 18 years. It’s hard to give credence to a lie detector test. Though the test is widely used in the US, it has very little scientific standing. In Europe it is regarded on a par with palm reading and astrological charts, and of course, the person paying for the test often gets the results they paid for.
Give yourself time before you decide what to do. A cheater usually seeks immediate forgiveness, which they equate with a pardon. They want a pardon before their partner has a chance to think things over. But like Rip Van Winkle, you need time to adjust your memory to what actually happened.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Mar 12, 2007 by Site Admin
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