Something More
I am a 35-year-old single gay male. I met a man, 23, online. I was 33 and he was 21 when we met. We had what could be called a relationship, based mostly on intimacy, with the occasional dinner and movie at my house. But in two years we never walked out of the house together, let alone met common friends and family.
I am completely out of the closet, but he is not. No one but me knows his true sexuality. He says he really likes me, but I want more than this. I proposed a healthier, normal relationship. He never said yes or no, and the status quo remained the same.
Recently he saw my profile on a gay dating page. I told him, "I am a single man who can do as he pleases seeing as you won’t commit." He admitted I am right. I said I hope he finds love and takes care of himself and goodbye. I added if he reconsiders and wants a normal relationship, my door will be open.
After two years like this do you think I should pursue him? Or shall I pursue other interests? I am in emotional turmoil and genuinely seek advice.
Francisco
Francisco, if you have sex with someone you feel isn’t dating you, you will feel compelled to pursue them to make it into a relationship. In those quiet hours when you are alone, you will think, "I got used." That is what compels pursuit: the desire to make intimacy more than just sex.
That’s why, after your eloquent speech about moving on but the door is still open, you seek to pursue him again. You were trying to tell him, "We aren’t going to have sex if this is not a relationship." But that ploy didn’t work.
Most people have a good ear for a threat with nothing behind it. We never recommend any kind of threat, bluff, or game-playing to get what you want in a relationship. We never recommend for anyone to be in a relationship where they are not equals with their partner. We never recommend anyone stay in a relationship which is not based on love, respect, trust, and fidelity.
Without all these present in equal measure, you are a victim. Without all these present in equal measure, you are in a power struggle not a relationship.
If you don’t stand on your character in the gay world, then you will never have anything more than sex. Females are in this position all the time. Am I going to let this guy just have sex with me, or am I going to demand love, respect, trust, and fidelity? It’s like Pinocchio. Until he started doing what was right, he could never become a real person.
Tamara
Shell-shock
I was married 27 years to a man I dearly loved. We had three sons that were very good, yet he treated all of us like he hated us, with cursing and insults. The marriage ended three years ago when he refused to end his affair of nine years.
I’ve been in a new relationship two years. This man is patient and loving, yet last year I tried to get back with my ex. Can you help me understand this process, or refer me to a book that could help me heal?
Julia
Julia, Glenn Gray revisited civilians he met during World War ll while he served in the army. These people survived the onslaught of competing armies. Many had seen family members murdered; many of the women had been raped. Yet some claimed they missed the war.
Intense bad experiences often carry more weight in our mind and imagination than helpful ones. That doesn’t change the reality of what is objectively good and what is objectively bad.
A good book on abuse, like "Dragonslippers" by Rosalind B. Penfold, can explain the dynamics of your marriage to your ex-husband.
Wayne
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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