Iceberg
Iceberg
I have been married only two months, and I’m concerned about comments my husband recently made. I have a large extended family and am close with many of my relatives.
Recently my husband asked me if one of my cousins was a virgin. I told him that such a question is inappropriate because of its sexual nature. Just yesterday after meeting another female cousin of mine for the first time, he said, using hand gestures, that she and my other female cousins are "up here" but that I am "down there."
He also mentioned he is more "moral" than I am, but claims he didn’t mean it as an insult, but as a statement of fact. To me all these comments indicate that he doesn’t respect me. Although he acknowledges that I am smart and attractive, he doubts my integrity even though I’ve been nothing but honest and faithful to him.
I believe the basis of all this is that he never dated women before me, although he had sexual relationships, while I had previous boyfriends. He asked about my previous relationships when we first started dating, and I told him.
I believe all my relationships were normal. No abuse, no ongoing contact with a former boyfriend, no cheating. I did have a pregnancy scare many years ago that was terminated with the help of my then boyfriend. Not so long ago my husband was fixated on the pregnancy, but he says he is now over it.
I fear that I’ve made a mistake in marrying him because I’m worried lack of respect is the type of issue you can’t get over. If he doesn’t respect me because I dated before, why did he wait so long to voice his concerns, and why did he marry me? Am I reading this right? Do you think this is fixable?
Amelia
Amelia, you just learned you have a lump. Should you take time to think about it? No, it’s time to act.
What is the mentality of a man who asks his wife if her relatives are virgins? What profile does he fit? How would you fix that? He’s a grown man. How can you get it through his brain, much less his heart, that this is not something you take an interest in?
The portrait you’ve given us is the portrait of a man missing empathy, missing the idea of right and wrong, missing the sense of protecting someone weaker, and missing respect for women. On a fundamental level he is missing what’s involved in relationships.
Sexual interest goes hand in glove with sexual intent. His sexual history is that of a man who uses women as objects, and there is reason to fear he may even attempt sex with your relatives. He didn’t suddenly get these ideas, but now that he’s got you tied down in marriage he can show his true colors.
His link to you gives him access to your cousins in a way he would not otherwise have. That presents you with a moral dilemma. If you remain silent and something happens, you are complicit in his actions, just as a bishop who moves around pedophile priests is complicit in a moral evil.
Attacking your character is a classic stratagem of abusers. Abusers ferret out others’ secrets, get them questioning themselves and their basic sense of right and wrong. Once that is done they can move them around like pieces on a chess board.
The submerged issue in your letter goes beyond lack of respect for you. Concealing your knowledge makes your cousins vulnerable. They do not know what you know, and your marriage is a cover for who he is. This issue is not something to be shoved under the rug. This issue needs to be dealt with in the most direct manner.
People are like icebergs, and he is just starting to expose what is underneath the water.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Jan 16, 2007 by Site Admin
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