Clash Of Values
I need some advice. I’ve gone on a couple of dates with this girl I met online, and we hit it off pretty well. I like her, she likes me, and we share the same interests. But after our last date the subject of sex came up, and she said she’s saving herself for marriage.
That threw me because I’m attracted to her and hoped our relationship would eventually reach that level, though I don’t feel ready for the responsibility of marriage. I don’t want to push her into anything, but I’m scared of being in a relationship where my values clash with hers. If I’m having second thoughts like this, does it mean we’re not right for each other?
Rex
Rex, do I understand your value correctly? You get to have sex with women you have no intention of marrying. What goes on south of your belt buckle is not a value; it’s a goal. Her desire to be chaste until marriage is more than a goal; it’s a value.
You are willing to take everything she has to offer, but what are you offering her? Nothing. So what is left for the man who is willing to marry her? If you have nothing to give her, direct your attentions elsewhere. You’ve come across a woman who prizes herself above your urges.
A motto of the1960s was 'Ass, gas, or grass. Nobody rides for free.' In other words, if you want a lift, pay the price. Life is a balance. This interaction isn’t scot-free. For a woman, the activity you seek ends up on her sexual resume and on her conscience, and for a carefree man, it can end up on his balance sheet and in his medical history.
Wayne
Changing Times
Reading one of your older columns today, I came across this. "All the pain in this world is caused by unhappy, thwarted, frustrated people. Happy people don’t hurt other people. They enrich the planet and bring fulfillment to others."
While I like to think I’m one of the happy people bringing fulfillment to others, I am continually thwarted in my attempts at relationships. Time and time again men represent themselves to me falsely, and time and time again I fail to see it until it is too late. Then I turn into one of those unhappy, frustrated people.
I suspect the key is to let go mentally, but my problem is twofold. First, I want to date. Second, if I keep dating, I keep getting into bad experiences and am unable to let go of them. It’s like being stuck in traffic. You put up with it, but eventually the frustration builds to intolerable levels.
How on earth can I learn to avoid sleazebags without stopping dating altogether? I feel like the most idiotic person in the world.
Tally
Tally, if you are getting hurt, then you’re hanging on too long.
The balance of power has changed, and women haven’t acknowledged it. In an older time, all women had to offer was their virtue. They were dependent on men. Today few men are the sole support of their family. Stop giving the thing women give which makes them emotionally attached to a man - the thing which men prize when not easily given.
A man in marriage gets a maid, a mistress, a cook, the mother of his children, and usually, a second income. What does a woman get? Without love, all she gets is someone to share expenses.
Why are you not best served by preserving the one asset you know the other party wants. That’s what you need to protect, bank on, and prize. It doesn’t matter whether you prize it; men prize it. In Aristophanes’ play 'Lysistrata' women withheld sex in order to stop a war. That is not the only cause--nor the only good cause--which is to a woman’s advantage.
Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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