Fruits Of Labor
Since I discovered your column I started putting together missing puzzle pieces. You often give advice to people to be truthful to themselves. Your answers helped me on making decisions and moving forward.
I am about to separate from my husband of 13 years. For a long time I felt stuck. I suppose ever since I started boarding school at the age of seven in the former Soviet Union, where an individual didn’t have a right to feel or think differently.
A lot has happened since. I’ve lost my parents, brothers, and recently my sister. Her children are living with me at the moment. I am trying to stay strong, but it has been hard to come to terms with my losses. All those years of marriage I felt so lonely. I was left on my own to make all the big decisions.
We have a wonderful daughter between us, but each time I felt sad or sick, my husband withdrew until I sounded more happy. My mistake was trying to make him happy, but he was never as happy in family life as he was at his work. He is a successful businessman. Good for him. But we failed to create our own world.
I want a family where we can be equals, where we care for each other and the children, where with love we create our own welcoming world. Is it too much to ask? My worries are, although we will be separating in two weeks, he is asking me to pretend in front of his colleagues we are an item, just as we pretended all those years to each other and the outside world.
He is still planning 'our' holidays. I made it clear I want to concentrate on rebuilding my life, rather than giving, giving, giving until I am incapable of giving even to my own child.
How can I explain he can’t have freedom from emotional involvement, yet ask me to be available at any time? I don’t hate him. It would be easier if I did. But, God, give me strength to deliver the message it is all over!
Svetlana
Svetlana, there is no message to give your husband. He’s gotten the message, and he’s refused it. Put a check mark by the box that says "Told husband I am moving on." It is clear he will hear only what he has decided to hear.
One test of a marriage is how your spouse reacts when you are ill. If they reject you unless you are healthy, happy and receptive, it is a marriage of convenience. When it is convenient to them, they will be in the marriage.
In the fairy tale 'The Little Red Hen,' a little red hen scratches in a garden and finds a grain of wheat. She asks, "Who will plant this grain of wheat?" The cat and the rat and the cock and the duck and the curly-tailed pig each refuse to help.
The grain grows. When it is ready to cut, the little red hen asks, "Who will cut the wheat?" Again, the other animals refuse. After she cuts the wheat the little red hen asks who will volunteer to take the wheat to the mill and make the wheat into bread. No one will.
Finally, when the bread is baked, the little red hen asks, "Who will help me eat this bread?" Now the cat and the rat and the cock and the duck and the curly-tailed pig offer to help, but the little red hen says, "Oh, no, you won’t." She calls her chicks together and they feast, while the other animals get not even a crumb.
Svetlana, think of yourself as the little red hen. Take care of yourself, your sister’s children, and your own child. Get loose and move toward your fulfillment, because that is the wheat which will nourish you and those children.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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