Bleak House
For 18 years I have been married to my college sweetheart. We have two wonderful children. My job includes limited travel, and my husband is often invited to join me.
I am the primary parent, so I am responsible for school stuff, house stuff, and getting the children to sports and friends’ houses. They are great kids, and I enjoy their company. Throughout our marriage my husband has been a frequent and heavy drinker, and he was the proverbial fraternity boy in college.
We’ve had lots of arguments, as well as long discussions, about this problem. Within the last two years, he has mostly stopped having dinner with us. He often works past 7 p.m., comes in to change clothes, grabs a beer, and heads for the deck to read the paper and do the puzzles.
This begins his night of consumption. I don’t know how many beers he drinks, but he is obviously intoxicated when he comes into the house at the end of the evening. When he comes through the house to get a beer, he will walk past us with them in his pockets, like he is trying to hide them from us. He will sometimes buy a case to stash in the shed or laundry room.
Each time I ask him to travel with me, he becomes intoxicated at the bar or dinner function. I quit taking him on my annual visit to see my parents because he drinks so heavily. In the past two weeks, he got drunk at a holiday party and a baby shower. I feel completely powerless. He doesn’t appear to care who witnesses his behavior, except he does not drink in front of his mother.
He completely denies he might have a drinking problem. However, his skin and teeth look awful. He will not see a doctor or a therapist. Our daughter commented last week that if he continued drinking, he was going to die. She obviously knows what is happening to him.
If we separated, I would take the children and move closer to my parents. He doesn’t seem to fear that happening. Is this a midlife crisis or alcoholism? I know it is possible that I might not be asking him the right questions, but what are the right questions?
Caroline
Caroline, the questions don’t matter. What matters is that drinking is more important to him than anything else in life. He is a full-blown alcoholic. His behavior may continue unabated for years, even decades. In fact, that is the likely scenario.
If you confront your husband, what changes can you expect? None. It might start some nasty exchanges, but his drinking will continue. Perhaps in five or seven years he may admit to a drinking problem, and when that happens you will think you’ve scored a victory, until you realize he just said that to get you off his back.
Jump ahead another few years. Now he is making a few feeble efforts to quit, but he falls off the wagon for months at a time. Then another five years pass. He is sober. But when you think about it, you realize he is still an alcoholic. No, he’s not drinking, but he still has those elements of personality you detested while he drank. This is a bleak picture, but if you stay with him, it is a realistic one.
Consider the effect on your children. Compared to other children, your children are far more likely to be chronically depressed and nervous. They are far more likely than other children to show a lifelong pattern of failure.
But you have the power to save them from that. Unlike many women in your situation, you can change their future. You can move closer to your parents and free your children from a bad family environment without suffering any serious financial consequences. That is what we strongly suggest.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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