Love Is... / Relationship Math
Love Is...
I just came across a question someone asked you: "What is the difference between love and like?" For years I was put on a guilt trip by the church for not being able to love everyone. It took me years to realize that, in fact, they did not mean "love" but "like. That is, they expected me to be gracious and pleasant in everyone’s company, without preference, and to be indiscriminately nice to everyone, regardless how nasty or insufferable they might be.
Most people are given the wrong idea, mostly by churches. God told us to love everyone as we love ourselves. He never said we had to like everyone. We wouldn’t accept abuse of ourselves. As such, we shouldn’t associate with anyone who abuses us. In fact, denying them our presence, especially if the relationship is dysfunctional, might be the greater act of love.
Like is directed toward us: we like people because they make us feel good about ourselves. They treat us well. They are pleasant. As a result, we want to be in their company. Love is something we feel toward people: we want the best for them, we want them to be blessed, we would never hurt them intentionally. We may never have anything in common with them that would allow us to like them.
It is perfectly normal to love all people (be civil and gracious when we see them), but not like all of them (seek their company).
I think the problem in most marriages that fail is people liked each other and believed they loved. But the liking slowly disappeared. When that happened, they declare, "We stopped loving each other." In fact, they probably never had. As easily as they fell in like, they fell out of like. But most of the time, there was no love to start with.
Christine
Christine, you sound like someone who has learned from experience that love isn’t a matter of weighing advantages against disadvantages. People who love each other aren’t struggling to be together.
Our favorite expression about love comes from Shakespeare. "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove: Oh no! It is an ever-fixed mark which looks on tempests and is never shaken."
Wayne & Tamara
Relationship Math
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. I love him very much, and I am happy in our relationship. But the problem is... I love his personality. I’ve never met anyone with whom I am so compatible, enjoyed being around, and so forth. But sometimes... I don’t really find him attractive.
I think the way he smiles is cute and things like that. But I don’t see him walking through the room and think, "He looks so good." I mean, it’s not a big problem for me. I’ve never really dated based on looks. But my question is... do you think a relationship can last even if you don’t find the other person physically attractive? Am I horrible for thinking this?
Kris
Kris, you can’t be horrible for feeling what you feel, anymore than you can be horrible for preferring vanilla over chocolate. In love, attraction needs to be complete because that is what love is. You "love" your boyfriend up to the point that you find him unattractive.
In algebra there are two kinds of relationships: equalities and inequalities. An equality is an equation. It says two things are equal. In relationships, it’s like saying my total feelings are equal to, or add up to, love.
An inequality says one thing approaches another thing in value, but does not equal it. To a greater or lesser extent, the first thing fails to be the second. That’s what you have with your boyfriend. There are things you like about him and things you dislike. That’s an inequality, a relationship out of balance.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Dec 04, 2006 by Site Admin
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