Recipe For Success / Bored On The Orient Express
Recipe For Success
I read that the most common topic you are contacted about is cheating. My wife and I have been married nearly 15 years, and I am not in the least concerned about cheating. I know neither of us would ever have an affair.
I am very concerned though that we aren’t as close as husband and wife as we should be, or as I would like us to be. Although we talk during the day, our conversations are superficial, and we rarely discuss goals, thoughts, and feelings. At times we seem more like siblings or roommates than spouses.
What do you suggest to help us become each other’s 'other half,' as described in one of your articles?
Joseph
Joseph, we recently heard a story about Georges Perrier, perhaps the most celebrated French chef in America. Perrier was asked why he freely gives out recipes to his dishes. He answered the question with a question of his own. If you went to Picasso and asked him how to paint Guernica --and he told you--do you think you could then go paint it?
Georges Perrier knows the magic of his fare lies elsewhere. It is the same with relationships. For decades professionals have taught that relationships are a matter of mastering a set of skills. It’s like learning how to drive a car. Any two people can have a great relationship, if they’ve mastered the skills.
But if the driver’s education model of relationships is true, then you could make anyone your best friend or spouse. Many people get married for no stronger reason than that one of them is male and the other female. The divorce rate proves that is not a good enough reason to marry. You cannot manipulate or cheat genuine love into existence.
The starting point for you and your wife is to figure out how you got together. What caused the wedding, and what are your feelings about one another right now? That’s where you must begin as you decide where to go from here. Be absolutely honest, because a missing ingredient cannot be added to a finished dish.
Wayne & Tamara
Bored On The Orient Express
I am 57 years old, and at this late date in my life I have fallen in love with a woman, 48. She lives close to me, so we bump into each other all the time. I think and dream about her constantly. The problem is I simply cannot fathom her feelings toward me.
I have known her eight months, and there is no intimacy on any level, although I am sure she knows I would like things to be different. At the beginning of our relationship I stopped calling and asking her out for that reason, but I remained friendly and helpful. She, on the other hand, calls me almost every weekend wanting to do things like dinner at her house, movies, or things she knows I like to do.
She is highly intelligent, well-read, and her interests parallel mine. We pass the time most agreeably laughing, talking, or dining. I sometimes think I am foolish and selfish, but this lack of intimacy makes me feel lonely and rejected. We have never talked about this. We dance around issues and put them off for another day. I would walk away, but I keep thinking things may change.
Sam
Sam, imagine you are a mystery writer like Agatha Christie. You’ve gathered a dozen people on a train, and all they do is eat dinner and look out the windows. Something’s amiss here. Where’s the murder? Where are the missing jewels?
Say what’s on your mind. We always admire people who speak from the heart; they possess integrity. This woman may agree with your feelings or she may reject them, but until you speak up your story will remain a mystery without a plot.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .
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Posted on Nov 20, 2006 by Site Admin
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