The Menu
My husband and I are working on 12 years of marriage. We have relocated several times for jobs, but are finally settled down (we hope!). My mother-in-law says we are keeping her grandchildren from her by taking this job and moving where we are. We live nine hours away from his parents, which is closer than we’ve been in years.
Last year because we were unemployed we went to their house for Christmas. This year, now that things are financially mended, we are hosting the Christmas shindigs. The family will be here Christmas Eve and Christmas night, and I planned on taking care of everything as hostess.
My mother-in-law told me she is bringing Christmas dinner. Then a couple of days later she said she is going to bring the meal for Christmas Eve as well. Now, I am in no way incapacitated, ill, unable, or unwilling to cook. I had reserved a prime rib and a ham and planned on all the fixings to go with them. Now both will go unused, so she can bring lasagna and a small pork loin roll.
That’s not enough to feed everyone. My husband says let her, but I don’t feel it’s right. As a hostess I feel insulted. As a daughter-in-law I feel encroached upon. I don’t want to set a precedent for future holidays or visits. I also don’t want to offend her. Is she being helpful or overbearing? And how do I tactfully discuss this with her so as not to make matters worse?
Sara
Sara, in your own home you never give in. Because if your home is not your haven, your castle, and your refuge, then you are homeless. You are right about setting a precedent you cannot live with. In a situation like this the hostess tells the guests—whether they be family or friends—what will be served and when. If someone wishes to bring another dish, it can be placed as a side dish to the main fare the host and hostess provide.
Your mother-in-law can rule the roost in her own home, but she doesn’t get to rule the roost in yours. As in dealing with children, be firm, fair, and consistent. Simply state what the meals and mealtimes are to be. That is your absolute right as a hostess.
Wayne & Tamara
Willow In The Wind
Two years ago I met the love of my life. He is sweet as can be. We love each other’s families, share secrets, and laugh until our stomachs hurt. We have an amazing sexual, emotional, and spiritual connection. I feel as if I’m looking into my own eyes when I look into his. I care for him like I would my child.
But something has gone terribly wrong. His best friend just moved across the street, and this friend has a younger brother who lives with him. They make my fiancé a different person. He makes rude comments to me in front of them for entertainment, and ditches our plans to hang out with them. They want to start a rock band together, something my fiancé said he would never waste his time on. Now he is considering it. I dropped friends for him, but he refuses to drop these men--excuse me, boys--for me.
Frances
Frances, we get letters from women who are angry when another woman mimics their dress, hairstyle, or interests. Because your fiancé is the opposite sex you don’t see a connection to that behavior. When with his friends, your fiancé mimics their behavior; with you, he mimics you. He doesn’t wear your same dress, but he takes on your opinions and outlook.
If it is his nature to be malleable, this can happen with anyone. Ask yourself if your communion with him is genuine, or only present when you have sole custody of your 'child'.'
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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