Down And Out
Down And Out
I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for two and a half years. From the start he would walk out and want to end the relationship over stupid stuff, saying, "If it’s like this now, what’s it going to be like in five years?"
I tried to reason with him. Everybody argues; it’s a fact of life. It’s how we deal with it. I thought over time he would settle into the relationship and make more of an effort rather than walking out each time. Sadly, over the years these episodes have continued. If it wasn’t down to me fighting for our relationship, we would have split up long ago.
Over time he has gone from a chilled-out, loving guy to an egotistical and sometimes aggressive person. All of which I believe is the person he is. He just hid it. I am told to shut up if he doesn’t like what I’m saying. I realize his priorities in life are not the same as mine.
Only two months ago he proposed to me. All my friends tell me how much he loves me, but how can that be when two months down the line he’s walked out again? He has broken our trust in this relationship, but he never sees himself doing any wrong. Why do I love this guy? I’m so confused.
Colleen
Colleen, when George Orwell was down and out in Paris, he washed dishes in a restaurant. One day the proprietor said to him, "What is restaurant work? You are carving a chicken and it falls on the floor. You apologize, you bow, you go out; and in five minutes you come back by another door - with the same chicken. That is restaurant work."
Why are you so confused about relationships? Let us give you a few hints. In the bestselling relationship book of the last 20 years, the author says he pretends in his mind his wife is his most important client. He tries to give her the same attention he would give a client. Apparently, pretense is his key to success.
Another couple, both Ph.D.s, observe quite correctly they are internationally regarded relationship experts. They are also authors of their own relationship system. Yet in a recent book they admit that after years of marriage they were on the verge of divorce. Even with a huge financial and professional stake in the outcome, they couldn’t make their own system work.
As it turns out they did stay together - after reading a book on astrology and relationships! In the same book they quote a two-page letter of praise from a man who attended their workshop with his girlfriend. The man makes many appreciative comments, but the bottom line is he and his partner broke up anyway.
Then there’s the woman who claims expertise in preventing divorce, yet in the smallest print in a book of hers, hidden away on the copyright page, she and her publisher disclaim all legal responsibility for the claims boldly made on the front cover. We could go on and on. So many books and so little wisdom.
As human beings we are easily swayed by what others say or tell us. That is why publishers print blurbs on the back of their books. Psychologist Lauren Slater mentions an experimenter who got others to do odd things - like touching their nose while walking backwards - simply by putting on a white lab coat. We are very suggestible.
There comes a point when we must trust our own experience. For three-quarters of a century experts have been telling us how to make unworkable relationships work, but it’s no more than the same dropped chicken served up on another plate.
We live in a sea of misinformation. Trust yourself and swim against the tide of bad advice telling you there is some way to make this bad relationship work.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Nov 06, 2006 by Site Admin
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