Poor Fit / Mine Alone
Poor Fit
I am in college. Back in the spring I dated a guy, and we became tight.
Shortly before we met, his ex-girlfriend broke up with him. I heard it was
because "he knew what he wanted, but she wasn't sure." Within a week she was
dating someone she'd dated before.
Fast-forward to us dating. From the time we met she begged him to come back.
She's from his hometown, and when he went back there, she talked him into going
to the movies with her. The following weekend he confessed to me he had
feelings for both of us. I asked if they kissed or anything. He said, "No, but
I don't know if I wouldn't have, if she'd tried."
That summer I was going on a mission trip for two months. I knew even if I
could keep him until then I would probably lose him. So I told him I wouldn't
date someone who likes two people. Fast-forward to the present. He and I
attend the same church, and his girlfriend comes to visit every other weekend.
I try to act normal, but when she's here I can hardly look their way.
She's a backstabber, so trying to be her friend isn't much of an option.
Anyway, they are talking marriage, but I have friends who have seen him
practically staring a hole through me, even while sitting with her. Does this
mean something? I hate to see him stay with someone out of habit rather than
love, if that's the case.
Beryl
Beryl, imagine you're in a store trying to decide between two pairs of jeans.
One pair makes your derriere look nice, but they're too short to wear with
heels. The other pair has the perfect length, but they're loose around the
seat. The clerk says the first brand doesn't come in a longer length and the
second brand doesn't feature a snug fit.
That's his dilemma. He's with her, staring at you. With you, he'd be pining
for her. What you share in common with the other woman is neither of you is a
perfect fit for him. What you don't share with her is that she is determined to
buy a pair of pants today.
The psychologist Dan Gilbert, author of "Stumbling on Happiness," observes that
nearly every creature ever studied-from rats to pigeons to people--puts a
premium on present happiness at the expense of future happiness. The present
feels real in a way the future doesn't. Faced with a choice between $50 today
or $60 next month, nearly everyone wants the money now.
So students party the night before a test, couples have sex without a condom,
and women think a wedding will make all their New Year's resolutions come true.
Most of us can't envision the future correctly. If you can, you have a chance
for happiness. What you need is the right man, not this man right now.
Tamara
Mine Alone
Some of my guy's friends are his exes, and I find that difficult to digest.
I've never kept exes as friends, even if the split wasn't acrimonious. Before
my current beau and I became lovers, we were friends, and as good buds we
discussed our relationships. Now I'm less relaxed around these women, knowing
what I do.
It makes me territorial. Shameful, but true. I'm aware jealousy stems from
insecurity and I'm working on my confidence, but I need advice on shutting out
the green-eyed demon.
Caron
Caron, does he value you above all others? Do his actions show it? If the
answer to both questions is yes, there's nothing to worry about. You shouldn't
consider your very natural feelings shameful. They aren't. That's the way we
are made. We want the one for us almost in the same way children want their own
mother and their own father. No one else will do.
Wayne
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Oct 23, 2006 by Site Admin
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