Death Of A Marriage
On Friday I will be moving out of my large four-bedroom, two-bath, two-car-
garage home. I will not see my kids every day, and I believe this is the end of
my 12 year marriage. I keep hoping the move will restart our relationship.
The cause of the move is my wife's rediscovery of my cheating. The first time
happened after I infected her with trichomoniasis. We both cried and were
hurt. She promised to forgive me, and I promised never to cheat again. I also
agreed not to look at online pornography. I understood looking at porn or
cheating again would mean the end of the marriage.
I failed. It wasn't because I didn't love her. I think it was an addiction to
sex and taking my wife for granted. My viewing of Internet porn started a month
after my wife agreed to make the marriage work, and this led me on a downward
spiral.
I can't explain it, but going back to the prostitute again was a form of closure
for me. I needed to dominate the woman who started everything to unravel. The
act was pleasurable, and she was more animated than my wife. I left feeling
vindicated and that I never had to return.
My movements became more secretive. Last Tuesday I looked at Internet porn at
work, wrote down numbers of some ladies, and planned to call and get pricing. I
kept telling myself I just wanted to hear their voices, but I was collecting
them. I put the paper in my shirt pocket to call them on the commute home.
I was going to dispose of the paper before I got home, and none would be the
wiser. Well, I forgot and my wife discovered the paper. She told me to move
out by Friday. I didn't argue. I started packing and sent a quick e-mail to
the pastor who counsels us.
My fear is there will be no way to make up with my wife. I continue to ask for
another chance, but her heart is cold to me. She says I can come over for
dinner and have the kids stay at my new place, but I don't know how to win her
back.
Tim
Tim, some things, like electricity, are hard to understand. Even though we use
electricity every day, most of us cannot say what it is. Nonetheless it follows
basic laws, and if we violate its laws, electricity can kill us. In the same
way, there are basic behavioral laws, and if we fail to follow them, they will
kill a relationship.
No one would suggest you get to live in a house you cannot pay for, receive a
paycheck you didn't work for, or get a perfect score on a test you didn't study
for. Why do you think you get to keep the wife you were unfaithful to? What
has happened follows behavioral laws which are almost as predictable as the laws
of electricity.
You brought home a sexually transmitted disease, but you could just as easily
have created a half-brother or half-sister for your children. You got to
experience adultery and moments of pleasure, and now you get to experience
separation, divorce, and perhaps, making payments on a house you don't get to
live in.
Everything that happened is based on what you decided to do, but you can't say
that about your wife. You will end up divorced because of what you did, but she
will end up divorced because of what somebody did to her. She was in a real
marriage, the marriage of "we." You were in a false marriage, the marriage of
"I."
An ancient Chinese maxim says, if you are out for vengeance, dig two graves.
The same might be said of your infidelity. Your infidelity dug one grave for
you and another for her.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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