Eye Of The Beholder / The Inquisition
Eye Of The Beholder
My wife of four years recently returned from an overseas business trip. It was a neat opportunity for her to see an area of the world she otherwise would never see. She asked if I wanted to go, and though I enjoy traveling with her, this particular country doesn’t appeal to me. Besides, she would spend most of her time working.
She did some sightseeing and brought back pictures. I’m enclosing one picture which has been bothering me. The man in the picture is a divorced man from Italy who works for a company my wife’s company does business with. I told my wife I don’t think the pose is appropriate for two business associates.
She says I am unreasonable, and they are only friends. Now she is scheduled to go back to this country and wants to meet this man for some one-on-one sightseeing. I am uncomfortable with that. She says I don’t trust her. Am I overreacting?
Jed
Jed, imagine your wife is on the phone, and you overhear the word 'lame'. Where would your head go? She thinks I’m lame... her boss’s ideas are lame... the movie we saw together is lame... or her girlfriend’s horse is lame?
The picture you sent shows two people who are comfortable with each other. That’s all. It’s like looking at Hermann Rorschach’s famous inkblots. The message is in the mind of the viewer, not in the inkblot. There’s no way to tell whether you are projecting your own fantasies onto her, she is showing camaraderie for business reasons, or she resents your refusal to join her.
You have an intimate four-year history with this woman. That history is a better guide to the future than a photograph she is unafraid to show you. If your wife is moving on, jumping her won’t stop her. If the idea never occurred to her, you just signaled you don’t know who she is as a person. And if she is teetering on the edge of moving on, you may have just tipped her teeter to totter.
Wayne & Tamara
The Inquisition
My boyfriend and I enjoy a passionate relationship, but we argue about trust and these arguments escalate into fiery confrontations. He reads my e-mail and snoops around my computer, citing Dr. Phil’s assertion there should be total transparency in a relationship. In the interest of transparency, I’ve given him my passwords, but I would prefer to open my own e-mail before he gets into it.
Five years ago I had a close male friend who confessed to being in love with me. I ended the friendship, but he’s sent e-mails to me since then. I’ve deleted each one thinking he would tire of pursuing me. When my boyfriend asked if I’d heard from him, I lied and said no. If I had said yes, I would have been subjected to a grilling and blamed for 'enabling' the situation.
My boyfriend found two e-mails from this old friend in my inbox. We had a flaming row, and he now says he cannot trust me because I lied. I suggested he’s never trusted me, borne out by his actions, but he maintains 'trust is earned, not given'. I don’t have anything to hide, but this is really starting to get to me.
Shelby
Shelby , in your boyfriend’s mind you are guilty on a daily basis unless you can prove otherwise. People who want to control others often take some current idea from psychology, manners, or religion and twist it to their own advantage. That is what your boyfriend is doing.
He has an opening in his life for a browbeaten woman who can’t even open her own e-mail. In his heart he wants you to be unworthy. His problem goes way beyond jealousy. You can never give in to such a person because that confirms to them they are right.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
|
Posted on Oct 09, 2006 by Site Admin
<< Previous article | Back to Articles| Next article >>
Click here to join Megafriends now!
|
