Alcohol’s Child / Novel Advice
Alcohol’s Child
I am 40 and the daughter of an alcoholic. My parents have been married 43 years and have stayed together for lack of money and because of their health. They are really great people, but it is the typical story.
The short version is when things were going fine for me, Dad would lose his temper and be drunk. Mom, my sister, and I would end up in a neighbor’s apartment. When things were going horrible, Dad would be nice. Just when I was used to walking on eggshells, he would be nice.
So while I was young I dated plenty of men, just to have company, and did not sleep with them. I got into a pattern of being alone and not letting a man close to me. At least one man from church wanted to date me, but I couldn’t do it. I have trouble making time for men.
I help out my elderly parents on a regular basis in addition to working. How do I break this pattern? It seems like I am going to have to rethink this.
Edith
Edith, in his autobiography 'My Life', Bill Clinton talks about the enjoyable train trip he took with his alcoholic stepfather to see a baseball game in St. Louis. It was the only trip they took together. Clinton also mentions the only time he and his stepfather went fishing together, and the only time they went into the woods to cut down a Christmas tree.
The former president concludes, 'There were so many things that meant a lot to me but were never to occur again.' That’s what living with a drunk is like. You hold on to the few good memories to blot out the present and give yourself hope for the future. That hoped-for future never materializes, but it enables you to ignore the bad and cling to the 10 percent which is good.
It seems odd that our minds work this way. You might think that rewards randomly given at rare intervals would lead to hopelessness, but the opposite is true. Intermittent rewards rarely given bind us tighter than regular rewards regularly given. That’s why you think your parents are 'great people'.
You say you need to rethink things, and that is the first idea you need to rethink. Living in a bottle was more important to your father than his living children. Unexpected niceness in the midst of terror creates the hardest pattern to break.
If you want to know what happened to your chances for a successful marriage and happy children, look no farther than your drunken father and enabling mother. The one thing they had to do to deserve your care in their old age, they did not do. Coming to terms with that reality is the first step in understanding your pattern with men.
Wayne & Tamara
Novel Advice
I’ve been going out with my girlfriend six months. She is an alcoholic and possibly bulimic. The problem is she seems to constantly lie, which is probably due to the alcohol. However, the biggest problem is when we arrange to do something, she manages to ruin it by 'oversleeping' or forgetting we made the arrangement.
I ring her and leave messages, but she will wait two hours before calling back. Before you ask, she works from home and is not busy. I think in a relationship with your significant other, you answer the phone. I am trying to work out if she is messing me around or actually loves me as she says.
Luke
Luke, the novelist Nelson Algren once offered three pieces of advice: never play poker with a stranger named Doc, never eat at a restaurant called Mom’s, and never sleep with a woman who has more problems than you do. The third item on the list, broadened to include both sexes, would make the quote perfect.
Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964 , Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Oct 02, 2006 by Site Admin
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