Dominoes
Dominoes
I am the father of two children and a husband for 12 years. I love my son and daughter dearly, but my relationship with my wife has been suffering for years. In fact, it has evolved into more of a business relationship than a marriage.
There is no passion between us. Sex is rare and mutually sans emotion. I wouldn’t call it miserable, but we argue every day and don’t treat each other with the love we each deserve. I’ve been a committed and faithful husband even though my marriage has left many emotional needs unmet.
We are best friends with another couple who also have two young kids. Since the day I met her, I’ve suppressed an attraction which grew stronger as I got to know her wonderful personality. After years of secretly fighting off the mutual passion and frequent flirting right in front of our spouses, we both gave in.
She would describe her marriage exactly the same as I do. My relationship with my wife was rocky even before we got married, but I thought I loved her and figured we'd grow closer together as we aged and had kids. Now I know what love really feels like.
We agreed one day we'd probably end our marriages, if not for the kids. Knowing our vision may be clouded by the excitement of this long anticipated romance, we've agreed not to talk about taking action for one year. We can't stand to be apart. We’ve spent several nights and days together in hotels. In fact, we've had more sex together in three months than in our own marriages over 10 years!
The lying and deceit is hard to think about. We don't feel we’re "that kind of people," but we’ll do almost anything to be together. Strangely, neither of us feels much guilt about the cheating. In fact, we both avoid sex with our spouses due to reversed guilt feelings.
We engage in risky behavior and talk about the I-don't-care-if-we-get-caught feelings trickling through our minds. We know what could happen if we get caught. If this relationship continues to grow and we take action, we want it to be on the right terms and at the right time.
You hear from many people involved in affairs. When you read my words, what are your thoughts, opinions, and observations?
Evan
Evan, we often hear stories like yours. They start with a snare. Before you were born the snare was set by people who claim there is a fix for every relationship. You thought a rocky relationship could be fixed with a wedding, and a rocky marriage could be fixed with a couple of kids.
Somehow that seemed logical to you at the time, though it’s a little like trying to fix indebtedness by taking on more debt. But that echo in your head every relationship can be fixed allowed you to irrationally go forward. So if the fix to bad dating is marriage, and the fix to a bad marriage is children, then the fix to spare your children divorce is adultery.
Children are little animals who can sniff out anything. That is meant in the most positive way. They are masses of energy and life. They move on absolute base instinct. They aren’t tricking themselves or performing skullduggery on themselves. They are like the doe in the woods. I smell humans. I smell unhappiness.
We are fooling ourselves if we think we are fooling our kids. You said yourself you are engaging in risky behavior which may be found out. If the children don’t learn the details, the minimum they will learn is marriage is conflict. And if they learn the details, who knows what they will learn. And how will that affect their future?
It’s just going farther down the rabbit hole, because there isn’t a fix for a marriage which should not have occurred.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Sep 18, 2006 by Site Admin
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