Snowflakes / A Zealot
Snowflakes
This one is on behalf of my best friend. My friend feels her mother-in-law is a terrible grandmother who falls far short of her expectations. She adores dogs and shows them more love and affection than her own grandchildren. My friend often compares this woman to her own mother who dotes on the children.
Sometimes my friend tells her mother-in-law directly what she thinks of her, and she cries. Her husband does not feel his mother is a loving grandmother, but he loves his mum and wants a peaceful life.
Coincidentally I have a similar setup with my in-laws. They have more time for animals--dogs, cats, and goats--and show them more love and affection than their grandchildren. They are more inclined to help the needy, like handicapped and poor people. However, my husband and I accept it is their choice to live as they wish, and we are always polite and respectful to them. I've encouraged my children to accept them as they are, which they do.
We made a lot of effort to fit in with my husband's family over the past decade, but now are less interested as it is only one way. We visit a few times a year, but that is not an issue as we live 100 miles away. We're expected to call from time to time, but conversations are restrained as we honestly don't have interest in each other's lives.
I ask questions like, have you been to a goat show lately. But they ask none in return, not even how are the children. That's just how they are. I feel my friend is competing with her mother-in-law, trying to prove she's bad and her mum's better. What do you suggest? Once again my friend is due to tell her mother-in-law how disappointed she is in her.
Sybil
Sybil, there is a translation of Lao Tzu by Witter Bynner which contains these words. "As the soft yield of water cleaves obstinate stone, so to yield with life solves the insoluble. But this unworded lesson, this easy example, is lost upon men."
You've learned to expect no more from your in-laws than they are prepared to offer, and that is the mark of a wise person. In addition, your children accept them on their own terms. This is a boat not to rock.
Your friend is attempting the impossible. She has an idea of the ideal grandmother, and she is determined to make her mother-in-law conform to that ideal. It's like trying to hold back the tide or make the wind obey. She should be grateful her children have one grandmother who meets her expectations.
Those children are going to spend their lives dealing with a variety of people in a real world. They need to accept reality and understand people for who they are. That is a far more valuable practice than expending energy trying to make people conform to our mental image. This is one area where supporting your friend does everyone a disservice.
Wayne & Tamara
A Zealot
My husband's brother wrote a letter to my husband a few years ago. The letter stated that my husband was soon to die--he has heart problems--and should make his peace with the Lord. This brother-in-law is a religious fanatic, but I think he was out of place writing the letter.
My husband laughed it off, but I cannot get over it. We will be seeing this brother-in-law at a wedding next month. How should I handle this?
Wilma
Wilma, Winston Churchill said, "A fanatic is one who won't change his mind and won't change the subject." Your husband understands this, and that is why he laughed it off. If you confront your brother-in-law at the wedding, you will look ridiculous. People will excuse him because he doesn't know better, but they will wonder, what's your excuse?
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Aug 07, 2006 by Site Admin
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