Dragonslippers
Dragonslippers
I need you to help me because I feel like I'm going insane. It has to do with my sister and her boyfriend. She's been with him for nine years and living a lie ever since. He's been unfaithful to her since the beginning of the relationship and continues to do her wrong. When times get hard, he runs out on her.
She has a daughter from a previous marriage and one with him. He plays in a rock band and never has time for them. He stays out every weekend and says he has a show, when in actuality he is with another woman. He has girls text messaging him and she's seen what they say to him, yet she covers for him and says it's nothing.
Her children are suffering because she doesn't pay attention to their needs. Just a few weeks ago, he tells her he's leaving her again and moves in with another woman. Then he texts how miserable he is without her and how much he loves her.
I know she will take him back, and I think it will be the last straw for me. I love her with all my heart, but I worry more about what she is doing to the children. She acts as if she can't live without him and will put up with anything--lying, cheating, disrespect--just so he won't leave her. What can I do to help her see the light?
Bernadette
Bernadette, there are only three things you can do. First, you can be the best aunt to your sister's children that you can be.
Second, accept that your sister is in an abusive relationship. For some reason, she is willing to put up with this behavior. You don't understand that reason, but it has great power over her. So to gain more understanding, and possibly be of help, start reading about abuse and contact organizations for abused women.
One question outsiders always have is, How can an otherwise smart, capable woman put up with abuse? "Dragonslippers," a recent book by Rosalind Penfold, provides an answer. Roz Penfold was in such a relationship for 10 years. She kept a diary, and when words failed her, she drew pictures. The book is a graphic portrait of abuse.
Many women like Roz ease into abuse one small step at a time and use common ideas in our culture to justify what they are doing--turning the other cheek, forgiving the other, accepting bad behavior as a disease.
It is a truism that a woman with an abusive man will not leave that situation until she sees things in the particular light which will make her change. For one woman, it might be consideration of the children--their suffering, their future, their well-being. For another woman, it might be understanding that she seeks abuse because she feels unworthy of anything better. For a third woman, it might be a vision of her own future.
In dealing with your sister and her family you must be totally honest. If your sister praises her boyfriend, let her know everyone knows exactly what he is like and how he fails as a man. Don't go along with any imaginary or delusional way she presents his behavior. Let her children know that a good man does not treat a woman this way, and that a woman should never put up with this sort of treatment. In short, educate them to your way--the proper way--to view their home life.
Finally, realize she may never change, and there may be nothing you can do to cause her to change. An accident of birth has linked the two of you as sisters. Just as you cannot allow alcoholic and drug-based behavior, or criminal behavior, or abusive behavior to dominate your life, so you cannot allow her self-demeaning life to ruin your own.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on May 31, 2006 by Site Admin
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