Lascivious Looks / Unanimous Decision
Lascivious Looks
For 15 years I was married to my high school sweetheart. The marriage was abusive, and I suffer from self-esteem issues. The man I'm dating now cannot watch a movie, see a Victoria's Secret commercial, or glimpse a beautiful model in a magazine without saying what he would like to do with her sexually.
Two evenings ago we were looking at a lobstering site on the computer and pictures came up. The only one he chose to click on was of a 20-something, topless female. I became upset. He tells me I am a jealous drama queen, but his need to constantly verbalize his thoughts about other women bothers me.
He says all men look at their female friends, wonder what they look like naked, and think what it would be like to have sex with them. Is this normal male behavior? Am I overreacting? I've asked female coworkers, and they all say they would be upset. Help me understand his way of thinking, and how to deal with him.
Lacy
Lacy, in a play on the expression "nitpicking," some psychologists have introduced the term "niche picking." What they mean is we often seek a certain environment in which to live our lives. That choice is usually unconscious.
Birds are hardwired to live in a certain niche. For example, bluebirds live in open woodlands and nest in holes in fence posts. Chimney swifts spend their days aloft feeding on insects and live in colonies inside chimneys. Cowbirds feast on bugs stirred up by cattle and lay their eggs in the nests of other birds.
But unlike birds, human beings are not hardwired. We are free to choose in which niche to live. You don't need to understand his way of thinking. You need to understand you are trading one abusive man for another. In asking how to deal with him, you are seeking a way to stay with an abuser.
The first time he made a vulgar remark and you didn't leave, you set the stage for his continued behavior. In the same way, if someone makes a racist remark in your presence and you don't walk away, you've signaled your acceptance. Next time their behavior will grow worse. Why? Because that's who they are, and that's who they think you are.
Don't trade the right to loving treatment for the hope of a wedding. The niche of abuse is not a niche in which to live.
Wayne
Unanimous Decision
Okay, I can't even believe I'm sending this off, but the fact is I know my friends and family love me and I'm smart enough to realize they are just trying to help. For some reason I need to ask for your opinion as well.
I am a 27-year-old professional woman. I have bachelor's and master's degrees in my chosen field. I work for a public company and deal with stressful deadlines and tense situations all the time. I met a married man, 25, with three children. He is going through a divorce, but he has no education, no real plan in life, and frankly, no future.
He's not done much besides fathering kids. Still I think there is a chance this person and I could be happy together, and he's the one to start a life and family with.
Candace
Candace, why did you write us? Because your family and friends are not giving you the green light to go ahead and do this. We aren't either. Otherwise our column would be called "How to Mess Up Your Life."
You describe an intense, demanding, responsible job where your top performance is essential. How could you keep up your work performance with this man, his children, and his ex-wife in your life?
You want marriage and a family, but it's got to be to the right man, a man who can without question support his wife in every way.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on May 22, 2006 by Site Admin
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