Starvation / Alphabet Soup
Starvation
I have been married 15 years and now have a daughter, 12. Ours was an arranged marriage. Initially I was not keen, but in our native country we get carried away emotionally with our parents' will.
Before the marriage my husband seemed quite talkative and did not voice his likes and dislikes. Our honeymoon was quiet as we really did not know what to say. Gradually we got attached and followed a routine. As life passed I realized my husband is obsessive-compulsive about cleanliness and money.
With these fixtures in his mind he accused me of being careless in both departments. He made it clear my parents had not given enough and are foolish in not saving enough. On top of that he keeps comparing me to my sister-in-law with her intelligence and sensible parents.
I've done my best to prove my worth for him and for the happiness of the family. Due to these fixtures he does not take me or my child anywhere. It can be months or even years for a lunch or dinner out. We've never gone on a vacation as a family. I work hard to make money, but he is never satisfied.
Now please tell me, what kind of life am I leading? My daughter, too, has given up on him taking her out or giving her time. I need to know if it is okay to start thinking of starting a new life?
Asha
Asha, at the end of World War II some researchers studied babies and children who had lost their parents in war-torn Europe. Though these children had enough to eat and lived in a clean environment, they failed to thrive. Some, in fact, died. The ones who survived showed depression of the kind associated with mourning in adults.
There is a difference between living and existing. Beyond our physical needs are emotional needs. The greatest of these is love. With no one to love and no one to love you, there is a huge void in your life. To outward appearances you are all right, but inside you are starving.
To thrive we must be nourished. Otherwise we are like those homeless children, existing but not truly alive.
Wayne & Tamara
Alphabet Soup
My friend spoke to me in confidence, and I don't know what advice to give. She has a boyfriend. Let's call him X. They have been living together four years. Then she fell in love with another man. Let's call him Z. Now she doesn't know what to do.
I know she really loves X, but she looks in love with Z and can't stop talking about him. I don't know how far their relationship has progressed, if you know what I mean. I don't want to see her get hurt. What advice can I give her so I can go on with my life?
Sheryl
Sheryl, in writing there's a thing called point of view. From your point of view you want to give enough of an answer to your friend, F, to satisfy her. If F doesn't like your advice, you can always say it wasn't my advice, it came from W & T.
X, on the other hand, lives with F and probably thinks they have an exclusive relationship. We don't know if Z knows about X, but if he knows, it's only what F has told him. Each letter in the alphabet has its own point of view, but what's right for one isn't right for another.
You don't want F to get hurt, but she's the one doing the hurting. You don't care about X or Z; you care about yourself and your relationship with F. If that weren't true, you'd tell F to break up with X before getting involved with Z. From our point of view, that's the only way to keep anyone from getting hurt.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on May 15, 2006 by Site Admin
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