May 8, 2006
Second Fiddle
We've been married six months. Although my husband swears he supports me first, his actions and words reflect that his mamma is number one. My husband believes she's an angel who wants to get close to me, "her favorite girl." I feel this family lives in "Pleasantville" under the façade of the perfect family.
She's a bragger who wants to show me off. I hate it. While my husband finds this flattering, I find it demeaning. I want to be treated like an adult, not a preschooler learning to ride a two-wheeler. My husband would like me to become her best friend.
My mother-in-law told her pastor we would make great youth group leaders. We never expressed such an interest, plus I avoid her church as just another way to control me. One day my husband came home and said, "Mom really wants us to go to this youth group meeting. It's not a commitment, she just wants us to see if we like it. Want to go?"
"Not really," I responded. "You can go. Otherwise tell your mom you aren't interested." He replied, "Well, it's really important to her…." I became agitated and told him I don't spend enough time where I already volunteer.
Then she signed us up for dog class without discussing it. At first my husband said she signed "us" up. When I got annoyed, he changed it to "him." Then he says she didn't sign him up, she talked to him and he just didn't mention it to me. I think he's trying to protect his precious mother.
The first day of class fell on my birthday. I said there was no way I'd go on my birthday. My husband said I would. When I got mad, he dropped it, but he chose dog class with his mother over dinner with me to celebrate my birthday.
Kiki
Kiki, most behavior is deep-seated. As one counselor remarked, when a new client comes to him, it takes six months just to get him to change his cologne.
When you married your husband, you either hoped for the best or were completely snookered. If you were snookered--hadn't a clue your mother-in-law would be the primary person in your marriage--make that clear to everyone. If you were blindly hopeful, admit you went forward against your own interests.
You can't change your mother-in-law, nor do you have the right. You can't change your husband, only he can do that. The odds are two to one against you. You don't have a right to change them, and they don't have a right to change you. It's simple logic. What others can't apply to you, you can't apply to them.
A song by Madonna says, "There's nothing left to try, There's no place left to hide, There's no greater power than the power of goodbye." It's like seafood. If you're allergic to seafood, you can't live with it. If you can't live with it, you can't love it.
Wayne
Point Of View
I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. He was married for four years, and from what I've been told, it was a pretty bad marriage. I've never been married.
I have a daughter, 2, from a previous relationship. I now have a 5-week-old boy with my current boyfriend. We act like we are married, but marriage doesn't seem to be getting any closer. I want to get married so badly, but anytime I bring it up he gets defensive and ignores me.
I'm starting to think it will never happen. Why can't he just commit?
Daryn
Daryn, when you go to a job interview and don't get an offer, it's not because the employer has a commitment phobia. It's because he doesn't want to hire you. Regardless of what your boyfriend says to you, he doesn't want to marry you.
Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on May 01, 2006 by Site Admin
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