April 24, 2006
Jailbreak
My girlfriend is really upset over her friendships. On her last birthday her two best friends didn't show up. All her friends constantly break plans with her which makes her feel unwanted and lonely. She lives in an emotionally abusive home and needs good friends, but she feels if she gives up the old friends she will have no one.
She also feels every new friend she makes will do the same thing. I've suggested she find a club or group where she can meet people with similar interests. I even went so far as to look up her university and send her Internet links. However, I don't think she intends to try them.
She considers my friends and their wives or girlfriends more like friends than her own. When I tell her to give them a call, she says she wouldn't feel comfortable talking about our relationship with them. While watching me play volleyball, she became close to one of the girls I play with. I told her to e-mail this girl or I can, but she said it would be strange calling her up after so long.
Rafe
Rafe, your girlfriend can't get a new family of origin, and they won't change. Why would she think she will be treated well by anyone, when she has not been treated well by the people who are supposed to love her? Why would she think she can escape from any situation in her life?
She is in a prison, and people in prison become institutionalized. They would rather stay in the life they know than take a chance on life outside prison walls. That is how she views things.
But beneath her bad experience is her human essence, and that essence is positive, hopeful, resilient, and able to change. We are not the kind of people who tell others to "have a nice day." We are realists. We are saying this because it is true.
Your girlfriend needs someone who can show her how to get past emotional abuse. You've tried to help her and failed. That suggests she needs skilled help.
Wayne
Mending Her Ways
I've been in numerous relationships, and I'm only 18. That's not the problem. The problem is I want to end it with this guy who's two years younger than me. I don't trust him because, well, we did stuff I now regret, but I can't tell him that. If I say I regret it, I'm afraid he's going to tell everyone at school. It was his first time.
Anyway, I'm going to college next year and don't need a high school sophomore on my tail or on my conscience. I don't know how to end it without him saying, "Oh, you just used me." Or something like that. He promised he wouldn't tell, but he's so immature. I really need your help.
Mandy
Mandy, whether he tells or not is not the issue. Promise or no promise, he likely told someone that night. Whenever you have to extract a promise of secrecy, it's a good sign that is not a person you can trust.
Don't focus on him. Focus on yourself. In what way is your sexual behavior to your advantage? You're only 18, and you are making black marks on your sexual résumé. Realize you made a mistake, and mentally decide you are not going to do anything like this again.
If you truly change, it does two things. For you, it ends a pattern of negative behavior, and for some good man, it will prevent him from being plagued by thoughts of your past. If something is no longer relevant, why should it ever be spoken of?
That's the difference between good therapy and bad therapy. In bad therapy you keep wallowing in your past problems; in good therapy you solve them, learn from them, and move forward in your life.
Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Apr 17, 2006 by Site Admin
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