April 17, 2006
Faulty Forgiveness
I am not sure I need answers, but I do know some comfort would help. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact my daughter no longer wants me in her life. I will keep my door open, as she well knows, and nothing can affect how much I love her. She will come to her own decision about what the future means for her and for me.
I had to love my daughter and grandchildren enough to let them go. I considered it selfish of me to want to know the children so badly that my attempts to reconcile with their mother only created trauma for them. I find peace in knowing in my absence my ex-husband's common law wife has assumed the role of mother and grandmother.
I try not to be resentful that my ex-husband is allowed to be grandpa. His violence with me was the reason for my decision to raise the kids alone. So I'm trying to be grateful my constant encouragement to my children to forgive him had a positive result. But every so often despair hits me and I sob for days.
Why is there forgiveness for the man who was violent, but none for the woman who loved them enough to go it on her own for them? What happened feels so unjust.
Wilma
Wilma, in Jane Austin's novel "Pride and Prejudice" Mr. Darcy knows what a scoundrel George Wickham is, but he conceals it. Elizabeth Bennet does the same. Both think they are acting from the best of motives, but their conspiracy of silence creates most of the problems in the book.
People need to understand that telling the truth is not the same as telling tales. Telling the truth is not gossip or calumny. When you know a plumber is dishonest or unreliable, you harm a friend by withholding that information. In the law it is called withholding a material fact.
We once knew a woman who was thrown down a flight of stairs by her husband. During the year it took to recover from her injuries, she divorced him, but she thought it best to conceal the reason from her two young children. Today her children blame her for breaking up the family.
Just as people mistake truth-telling for telling tales, so they often misunderstand the nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness means not holding hatred in your heart. It has nothing to do with allowing someone to resume an undeserved position in your life. Forgiveness is not a free pass which allows someone to come back in your life to harm you again.
The world works far better when people are known for who they are and bear the consequences of their actions. That is justice--the principle underlying every legal system--and that is why what happened to you feels so unjust.
Wayne & Tamara
Game Over
I met this young man while playing an online role-playing game. After months of playing well together the shard was going to shut down. He and I were leaders of our group, so we tested shards together to find another one for our group.
By his mannerisms and maturity, I assumed he was in his 30s at a minimum. He is intelligent, humorous, has sex appeal, the whole package. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We both agreed to meet for the first time in September when my youngest is off to college.
He doesn't care about our age difference and wants to introduce this to his family as painlessly as possible. Any suggestions? He's 18 and I'm 45.
Danelle
Danelle, in the virtual world some people are called grief players. Their play inflicts harm on others. Don't become a grief player in the real world. Aside from the inevitable disillusionment, there's another principle at work here. Adults don't have sex with children.
Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Apr 10, 2006 by Site Admin
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