March 27, 2006
Doing Hard Time
I am a 33-year-old man, never married, no kids. I've never had a girlfriend in my whole life, but my parents want me to get married. They've even offered me girls, but I'm not interested. I am scared to get into a relationship. I feel issues will come into play which will distract me from my work and keep me from doing my best.
I must be married to my job because it is demanding, gives me support, and is my purpose in life. Relationships only cause anger, discord, and constant fighting. The good times cannot possibly make up for that. Only a good, secure job can provide me with happiness and security, unlike any woman.
If a marriage does not work out, it would be much like a life sentence with no possibility of parole. If I wanted a divorce, my parents will come on me hard and stress all marriages must last forever. At least I can change jobs if the job does not fit me. I would not have the same flexibility if I married a girl who later becomes the most unsuitable partner!
My relationship with my parents is very strained, and it is detrimental to my happiness and self-esteem. They feel I am abusing them. There must be some point when life can become my own. Is it wrong to not want to get married? How can I convince my parents it is wrong to talk me into marriage?
Sanjay
Sanjay, where did you get the idea marriage is hell on earth? From your parents. Why is your relationship with them strained? Because their life together has been a battlefield, and you are rejecting their model.
That's the problem when badly married people stay together. They show their children this is what you seek, this is what you get, this is all there is. Adult children replicate their home. It takes a very strong person to break that mold. We salute the child who graduates from college even though his parents never did. Why shouldn't we salute the child who breaks the pattern of his parents' bad marriage?
A recent song by Bon Jovi is called "Welcome to Wherever You Are." One line says, "You got to believe that right here, right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be." It's time to grab control of your life. When does your life become your own? When you have this realization.
What do you tell your parents? As another Bon Jovi song says, "I can forgive you but I won't relive you." Tell your parents you don't want what they had. Expect them to deny they have a bad marriage, but their very denial demonstrates they cannot be truthful with you. Your response must be, That is not true as I have seen and lived your marriage.
Once free of this burden, you will begin to ease up and live. Then who knows what is possible. Perhaps you will want to share your life with another. Perhaps what your parents did is too deeply instilled, and you will seek a pleasurable life for yourself. Either way, it will be your own choice.
Wayne & Tamara
Idle Chatter
Was I wrong? A waitress called my husband "dear," and I responded by saying, "Well, sweetie, what do you want?" I embarrassed him. I'm sorry I did, but I do not think my behavior was out of line.
Agnes
Agnes, what did the waitress want? A decent tip. That's all the words "dear" or "honey" mean from a food server. You were merely in a zoo; save the catty behavior for the jungle.
Someday you may be in the wild kingdom and need to claw another female. Reserve your feline fury for that day. You've shown your husband your claws are sharp. Point made. Now admit you put your paw in your mouth and move on.
Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Mar 25, 2006 by Site Admin
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