February 13, 2006
Animal Behavior
My future mother-in-law is always putting me down. A few months after meeting me, she started nitpicking my weight. I'm not fat you know, just a size 9. My fiancé and I go to dinner with his parents a lot, and she contests everything I say, like she is the only one well-versed on any subject.
One night at dinner she ordered a huge dish from the menu. She complained she was embarrassed about taking food out of the restaurant and asked the waiter to put the leftovers in a container. When he brought it back, she placed it in front of me so it would look like I'm the one carrying it out.
She saw nothing wrong with that, so my fiancé moved it from me and put it in front of himself. She also pretends I'm not a significant part of her son's life, and she's even insulted someone in my family in front of me. My fiancé says he will talk to her about it, but I doubt he will say what needs to be said.
Noreen
Noreen, sometimes we are better off looking at problems from the most base level. At first blush the issues here seem to involve common courtesy, respect for others, or even the need to turn the other cheek at times.
But looking at this in the most base terms, what is going on? One animal is trying to impose its will on another. Your future mother-in-law wants the dominant position, and she wants you in the subordinate position. There are no excuses--cultural, social, or religious--to justify what she did at the dinner. It was an act of pure, naked, animal dominance.
Since she's put your relationship in those terms, the only choice is to respond in kind. When a puppy piddles on the carpet, with effort you can correct its behavior. But if you let the behavior continue unchallenged, it will only grow worse.
There is an old saying that a son's a son 'til he takes him a wife, but a daughter's a daughter all of her life. If the first part of that saying is true of your fiancé, your mother-in-law will be a manageable problem of your marriage. If it is not true of your fiancé, you will have a problem which grows worse year by year.
Wayne & Tamara
Vicious Vixen
I'm in a long-distance relationship at the moment. I love my boyfriend very much, and the relationship is good. Recently I met someone and things kicked off really fast between the two of us. We are really interested in each other. It feels as if we've known each other for years. We are comfortable with one another and really open and honest.
I don't want to push the issue of an official boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with him. My suggestion is we remain as friends, then we can determine if we should remain as friends or if something was meant to develop out of this. If something deeper develops, at that time I'll deal with the situation with my boyfriend. Am I wrong in this?
Dawn
Dawn, on the sly you're trying to lynch your boyfriend. You've built the scaffold, put the hood over his head, led him up the stairs, and tightened the noose. Now you're positioning him over the trapdoor. Before you drop the door, will you tell him he's at a lynching?
C'mon, can't you do things in the right order? Horse, then cart. Break up with the old before starting the new. Your old boyfriend thinks he has a girlfriend, and he doesn't. What might he think when you break up with him? That women are sneaky, nasty creatures. And with you, he's going to be right.
There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone else, but the honorable course is to end one relationship before starting the next.
Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Feb 06, 2006 by Site Admin
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