February 6, 2006
My Three Sons
Just before Christmas as I was coming home from Christmas shopping, I saw through the basement window, my 19-year-old son and his girlfriend having sex. It was early evening, and my husband and my other two sons were home. I was incensed.
I was ready to march in there and raise the roof. My husband, on the other hand, thought that it would be a mistake and convinced me he would talk to our son the next day. He did, but candy-coated it by saying he thought he had seen them doing something and not to do it again. The bedroom door was also to remain open.
I wasn't happy with that but went along to keep the peace. Two days later I came home from work at 11 p.m. and found them in his room again with the door closed. Their clothes were on, but I yelled at them and asked her to leave. For almost six weeks now my son and I have not spoken.
My heart is broken because I don't know what to do. I'm the bad guy again, and my husband can't see what the problem is. He feels I should apologize for shouting at them. I feel an apology is in order from my son. Am I missing something? Have I lost all perspective?
Peggy
Peggy, you are not operating a bordello or a flophouse. Your home is not a place where people meet to have sex. Your son is living in your house under your rules. If he wants different rules, he can move out, support himself, and make his own rules.
In setting rules for your son, there are several things to consider. You don't want to become a grandmother any sooner than necessary, and you don't want drugs or alcohol abused in your home. You do want parents of girls to know your house is a place with adult supervision, not a bachelor pad. And you want rules which are reasonable for all three boys.
As long as the boys are in your home, their problems automatically become your problems. The discussion of rules must begin with your husband. His desire to be a "cool dad" undermines the need for order in the household. There is no reason for you to be a bad guy, prison guard, or the only grown-up in the house.
Wayne & Tamara
Lola Wants
I will admit I did not know my husband well when we married. We are both in our early 50s, and I wanted to find someone to spend the remaining years of my life. What I have come to realize is he is still a little boy who is self-centered and uses his anger to control me.
I feel he will lie to me to get his way. For the most part we cruise along with not a lot of acrimony, but underneath the surface I don't trust him doing things in the best interest of our marriage. He did cheat on his first wife, and I found e-mails to and from a woman I don't know.
I get angry sometimes because he pretty much does what he wants, yet I have a nice house, don't have to work, and things are okay most of the time. I have a history of lousy relationships. I don't want to go into therapy, and I don't want to start over again either.
Lola
Lola, you don't want to lose your nice house, you don't want to work, you don't want to go into therapy, and you don't want to start over. Based on what you've said, we suggest you call David Copperfield, the magician.
A man who has walked through the Great Wall of China, levitated over the Grand Canyon, and made the Statue of Liberty disappear may be able to help you. But we can't. What you want is a magic trick.
Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Jan 30, 2006 by Site Admin
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