January 9, 2006
Built On Sand
We have been married 10 years and have a daughter, 5. She was legally adopted and is not my biological daughter. My husband adores her.
Our marriage was not based on what you call "love" but was, I guess, out of convenience. We were both new immigrants to Canada and found ourselves convenient with each other. We got married. I love him, and I am pretty sure he cares for me in a special way, too. We lived a comfortable life in Toronto until we moved to New York because of his job.
We adopted our daughter when she was an infant. At that point, my husband met a married woman based in Montreal. He admitted his feelings for this woman and told me he would like to have a life with her. If I agree to separate from him, this woman may separate from her husband.
This hurts me a lot. I have not done anything wrong during the years we have been together. I've devoted my life totally to him and our daughter, which he does not deny. I told him I won't make things easy for him since he is messing up our lives. I can reject the idea of separation, can I not?
Reyna
Reyna, the "Persian Letters" by Baron de Montesquieu is a tale about Usbek, a traveler from Persia.
Usbek has a harem in his homeland, and when he travels to Europe, the harem revolts. Freed from their master's control, the wives and harem guards do what they are now free to do. Even Usbek's favorite wife, the one he most trusts, is found with a lover. The point of Montesquieu's story is that our nature will always try to assert itself.
The mind is a river whose source is unknown, but that river has very strong tendencies. Perhaps the strongest of these is the tendency to find love. You say you love your husband now, but a woman who is intimate with a man will always call that love.
You confess that your marriage was a marriage of convenience. In a marriage of convenience it is not unusual for the marriage to end because one or both parties find someone they truly love. The point of Montesquieu's story is the never-ending dilemma of your marriage. Love was not the basis of your marriage and that is what your husband seeks.
Wayne & Tamara
Questionable Relationship
Even if I don't get a response, maybe just typing my question will get it off my chest. I have been "seeing" someone since June. We go to the movies or for walks, maybe dinner, and we snog a good bit. We do this once a week or so. It is definitely becoming more frequent and the make-out sessions more intense. But what are we doing?
I called him today to go out a full 10 days away, and he said he was pretty sure he would be busy because he has lots of obligations. Okay. That was a blow-off, right? We are both graduate students who live at home and have jobs, but no kids or divorces or anything which would over-complicate this. Are we "friends with benefits," or are we dating? Can I ask him this? Or is that taboo?
Andrea
Andrea, if you can't ask a man if you are dating, you shouldn't be snogging him. If there was a real connection, you would know you are dating, and you wouldn't hesitate to speak openly. "Friends with benefits" describes a relationship which is no advantage to a woman. It's a step down from "he's getting the milk for free." At least in that case a woman knows she's dating the man.
Hold yourself of higher value. Imagine you are a prize to be won by a man who asks you out and sees his contact with you as a relationship.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
|
Posted on Jan 02, 2006 by Site Admin
<< Previous article | Back to Articles| Next article >>
Click here to join Megafriends now!
|
