December 19, 2005
Bad Advice
I met a man and we've had six dates. He calls me every day, sometimes twice a day, and sends e-mail throughout the day. He's 27, works full-time as a financial analyst, and goes to graduate school two evenings a week working on his MBA.
We were together two weekends in a row, but I'm confused because for the past two weekends he's been booked with plans. In addition, he shares season basketball tickets with friends, and though he offered to get together after games, I don't want to appear like I'm just waiting around.
Last weekend he was out of town visiting his family. He still called me twice a day to say he missed me. And he did make time to see me the night before he left and when he got back. He warned me when we first met he has a busy schedule most women would get annoyed at, but he said it's not easy working and going to school.
Recently he told me he felt good karma coming his way and meeting me was the start of it. I'm confused because he calls me every day to talk yet planning a date seems so hard. Honestly, I'm used to guys whose lives revolve around a woman, though to be honest, I find them too smothering.
I don't know how to handle this type of guy. I read these dating books that say if a man isn't spending all his time with you, or giving up weekends for you, he's just not that into you. I don't know, but that seems like a lot to ask. Am I making excuses for his busy life, like these dating books claim, or could he be genuinely interested and simply busy?
Suzette
Suzette, throw away the dating books. All they are doing is confusing you. Reading them is like getting a medical opinion from a doctor who's never seen you as a patient. These dating book "doctors" don't know a thing about you--your age, your relationship history, your likes and dislikes.
You've only known him a month. You understand his busy schedule, and you find men with no life smothering. He makes every attempt to stay in touch with you, yet has you wanting more. No smothering here! Take it easy, and let this unfold in its own time and its own way.
Tamara
To Thine Own Self
I was with someone for nine years. Dreadful relationship, dreadful ending. Met a lovely, sweet, and wise man. Both of us have experienced a lot of hurt and are a bit cynical and fearful. Me more so.
When I was 19, I married a gorgeous lovely guy and could only see what was missing. The only time I've been completely in love was this last relationship where I was treated like rubbish. This new man is kind and decent and understanding and affectionate. Yet I find fault. I look at him and think: you're overweight, only after my money, and only with me so you'll have a nurse if you get sick.
I am so untrusting. I find it difficult to know what is real and what is daft. My friends lived with me being miserable for years, and they think this new man is great. Do I stay alone, or take the risk of making yet another mistake?
Kitty
Kitty, unlike other columnists, we seldom suggest counseling as a blanket answer. But individual counseling is especially appropriate when a person feels they don't know their own mind. A good therapist can help you get back in touch with yourself, so you can decide if this is a relationship which should move forward.
Fifty years ago Carl Rogers described the goal of therapy as "to be that self which one truly is." When you are that self, you will trust yourself to know the right course of action in every situation.
Wayne
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Dec 12, 2005 by Site Admin
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