October 24, 2005
Rites Of Passage
My boyfriend and I have been living together going on 13 years. My mother-in-law--well, she's like my mother-in-law--is manipulative, needy, mean, stingy, selfish, domineering, and jealous. Let's see, how many more adjectives can I think of ? You name it, she's it.
She thinks her only son, my boyfriend, is supposed to be with her 24-7. She calls him constantly, needing something fixed. He's over there two or three times a day trying to please her, but if you give her an inch, she wants a mile. She drives me freaking crazy, if you know what I mean.
If she would leave us alone just one day, I'd be so grateful. The bad thing is I love my boyfriend. We're going to be married soon, but I don't know if I want to sign on for her to be my mother-in-law. She looks like a ragged combination of Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, and a voodoo queen. With a personality to match.
Deirdre
Deirdre, the poet Robert Bly once remarked that birds store the knowledge of how to find a mate, build a nest, and fly away for the winter in their instinctual brain. But human beings are different. To keep our brains free and flexible for new situations, we store that sort of knowledge in stories, rites, and myth.
Ancient cultures treasured the rituals for cutting the apron strings which bind a boy to his mother. Today, however, those rituals are weak, and when the separation doesn't occur at the proper time, it is likely never to occur. You're so invested in this relationship you feel you cannot leave. Your boyfriend knows this, and that means he has no incentive to undergo the rite of passage to manhood.
Tamara
Time To Come
I am currently deployed in Iraq, and I have been here since November 2004. I went home on leave in May and asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said yes. Then in June my best friend was killed by an improvised explosive device, so I called her to get some comfort.
She told me she didn't want to be together anymore. We kept talking, but it still felt to me like we were together. Every day she would say she loves and misses me. Then I checked my e-mail this morning and come to find out she's been dating someone for two months and they're getting married. I e-mailed her I was not sure if we could talk anymore and that I was sorry.
She replied she doesn't want to see me unhappy and doesn't know what to do without me in her life. What should I do, because I am still in love with her?
Chris
Chris, it's not surprising you cling to the sense that somebody out there loves you. You are in love with the fiancée of another man because you have no one else on the horizon, and you are in a life-threatening situation. But when she e-mails you, take the word "love" out of everything she says. Someone who loves you doesn't date another in your absence and promise to marry them.
In the bigger scheme of things, you are only one individual, but one individual is the building block of everything in this world. Your existence matters to everyone on the planet. Your actions have ripples you may never, ever see. You've reached out to us from half a world away, and your letter will be read by people in dozens of countries. Does that not prove we are all connected?
That makes you a person of value. A person of value deserves the best. The right woman for you is still just over the horizon. When it's time, she will come into view. Most of our pleasures come from anticipation and moving toward something great. That is what you are doing.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Oct 17, 2005 by Site Admin
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