August 15, 2005
One Woman's Trash
My husband and I have been married 18 years. We had a wonderful life together and raised an extraordinary daughter, who just turned 17. About a year ago I began feeling we simply coexisted.
I must say I greatly admire and respect my husband--he's been an honest and upstanding person…no abuse or neglect issues. But when we spoke awhile back about our just plodding along, my husband said he didn't think he could change if we saw a counselor.
Within a month I resolved if he wouldn't change or seek counseling, what, then, was the point--our marriage was over. I asked for a divorce. Shortly thereafter my husband moved out. We both expressed how much we love each other and how painful this is. We've cried, embraced, and supported each other.
My problem is this: as soon as he moved out I realized I made a horrible mistake. There are days I feel I simply can't exist without my husband, and I'm having difficulty dealing with the profound grief of losing my life partner. I believe if pride could be set aside, we could work this out.
The other problem is: within two weeks of moving out (and two days after he said, "I'll always love you") my husband began an affair with a friend he's known for years. He is deeply religious and vehemently opposed to adultery. I am completely floored. We are not even legally separated.
When I confronted him, he easily admitted his infidelity saying how lonely he was. I feel he may have been so hurt he struck out in the one way he knew would hurt me most. I can overcome his infidelity because I love him so dearly, and I want us to see a counselor together. Is it worth the fight to ensure we've made the right choice?
Doris
Doris, a friend of ours knew a young man who often said, "Women and cigarettes will be the death of me." He was exactly right. Two days after his 21st birthday, he was crossing the street to buy a pack of cigarettes. A drunk driver--a woman--hurtled into him with her car. He was dead at the scene.
Sometimes we get what we ask for. You want to reconcile, but what is he thinking? "I'm not unfaithful. You released me from our promise." Another woman saw a treasure where you saw trash. What counseling does he need? You chose the future; now you bear the consequences.
Wayne & Tamara
Reneged
I've been with my boyfriend three years. Within six months we moved in together. I thought he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. A year into our relationship he said he wanted to marry me. Needless to say I was thrilled.
A couple of days later he said he didn't have the money to give me the ring I deserved, but within a year we would be at least engaged. So I dropped the subject, assuming he was being truthful and thinking he was so sweet to want that for me. Now I can't even bring up the subject without him getting angry. I am doubting everything about myself now.
Angel
Angel, he made a proposal of a proposal. What did it get him? Everything. You spent a year, expecting at any moment, the proposal he proposed. What were you doing? Acting like the loving, affectionate, about-to-be-engaged girlfriend.
How many men have pulled this one? There ought to be a name for it, like there is for other confidence games: the pigeon drop, the Latin lotto, the Jamaican switch. What he stole from you wasn't money, but something more valuable. Emotion, intimacy, and the promise of a future.
You doubt yourself because you cling to the idea you weren't scammed, but you need to accept this is no man to marry.
Wayne
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Aug 08, 2005 by Site Admin
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