August 8, 2005
Love's Test
My life has been filled with its biggest challenge in the past year. In August, 2004 I had a life-changing diving accident that left me paralyzed from my chest down. I was a 31-year-old, married, father of two, a successful chef, and a modern man of the house.
After my accident, it was unclear what I would be able to do. The doctors made no promises, but I was told my injury is incomplete, meaning there's a chance to regain more movement.
I spent 115 days away from home, mostly learning to do simple things like feed myself, bathe, and sit up. While I was away, the community rallied in support. There were fundraisers to renovate my house for me and my wheelchair. Friends, family, and complete strangers donated money, time, prayers, and words of support.
Every day I looked forward to coming home. I spoke to my wife every evening, and she visited almost every weekend. It was rocky, but I thought we would make it. I thought we were soul mates and would grow old together. I guess no one knows what they would do if their spouse became permanently handicapped. How do you know if you're not in the situation?
I heard many stories of people who had successful careers, marriages, and families after a spinal cord injury. I was especially positive in the beginning, when I had the support of therapists and specialists.
My positive attitude faded when I came home. I was frustrated with things I used to be able to do. There was a "friend" who stayed at my house several months helping my wife. I was home only two weeks when they became intimate. The Monday after New Year's she said she wanted to move out. I thought I could share her, but she moved down the street with the kids.
I don't know where I would be if not for close friends who moved into my house to help. How do I move on? I believe I have a lot to offer. I used to think we would be together forever; now I'm craving companionship, intimacy, and someone to be close to.
Ryan
Ryan, some people say love is a decision. Your experience proves that is not true. Love is a deep emotional connection.
A decision involves consideration of factors and strategies. When you buy a car, you consider price, color, and style. When you are in love, you have a deep connection to the essence of another person. Love is no more a decision than sadness, grief, fear, or anger.
You felt you were soul mates. Your soul is still intact, yet she left. When we hear stories about people who stayed together through tragedy--not to be martyrs--but because they couldn't imagine life without the person they love, it reveals the measure of what love is.
Like everyone else with a recent separation pending divorce, you feel bad, but you can't order up love the way you can order up a cheeseburger at a fast food joint.
To receive the kind of love you desire, you have to be the kind of person who can give the kind of love and respect you desire. You have to be a person of value, a person who meets life's demands head-on. You have to be a person living the kind of life which would attract another person of value.
If you're a sad sack, you guarantee failure in your objective. If you meet the tasks required of you every day to live life to the fullest, you have the opportunity for love to find you. That's the magic of love. You cannot order it up, but you can live a life which attracts it.
We never know where our opportunities will come from. An event last August may give you in reality what you thought you had in imagination: a true soul mate.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Aug 01, 2005 by Site Admin
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