July 18, 2005
Runner-up
Am I a consolation prize? Prior to dating me my boyfriend was crazy in love with another woman. When they broke up, he was devastated, and they parted on bad terms. They were close friends for seven years, dated for a year, and broke up two years ago.
A few months later she tried to resume a friendship, and only a friendship, with him. He told her to get lost, and she never contacted him again. Six months after we started dating I found out he e-mailed her twice. He told her we were vacationing at their "special place." She replied, "Hope you have a good time."
A month later she e-mailed asking if they could talk. He e-mailed back he was living with me, had bought a ring, and planned to get engaged. He also said I didn't want him to contact her. She apologized for any misunderstanding and wished him the best of luck with his engagement.
Four months later we ran into his ex at a party. He introduced me as his fiancée and told her we were engaged. This was not true. We were not engaged, but I played along with it. He was obviously flustered seeing her, but she congratulated us.
I was furious with how upset he was. He assured me he loved only me and said he e-mailed her about our "engagement" in hopes she would stop contacting him. I know this isn't true. I know he contacted her first, when we were on vacation. He showed me the e-mail, and it seemed spiteful. Sort of, "Ha, ha, I am getting married."
I also never told him he couldn't contact her. We never even discussed it. Recently, two weeks before his 40th birthday, we got engaged. I am 23. I am upset he contacted her at all and lied about us being engaged before we actually were. Am I overreacting?
Diana
Diana, you're not overreacting. The only thing you left out of your letter is how old the other woman is. What you described sounds like an old movie plot: a man tries to win back his true love by using a younger woman to make her jealous.
Your fiancé's lie needs to be undone. The lie is he is no longer interested in this woman. If you don't confront this issue because you fear it will end your chance for marriage, it will become the issue which haunts the marriage.
He's made you an accomplice in lies. Your fears are justified. Why? Because there were three people involved in your engagement--him, this other woman, and then, finally, you.
Wayne & Tamara
Alternative Lifestyle
Until recently I was in a relationship. I'm 24 and bisexual, whereas she is 21 and doesn't know who she is yet. We love each other and are good friends. She broke off our relationship because I'm bisexual and didn't tell her until she asked a couple of months into our relationship. Also she wanted to find herself and learn to love herself.
I want to be with her. She says she wants space, and the first thing I do is complain. When I give her some space, somehow we end up talking or seeing each other. This most often happens with her calling or texting, yet she tells me nothing has changed. We had talked about children, marriage, and the rest of our lives. I am trapped in hope.
Byron
Byron, your sexuality is so undefined you don't know if you have a preference for males or females. What is a woman supposed to do with that? How does a person with a preference understand a person with no preference? It's like not having a favorite color, not having favorite music, not having favorite foods. If you don't know what you want, how can she be sure what you want? That's her problem.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Jul 11, 2005 by Site Admin
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