April 25, 2005
All That Glitters
I've been to a social worker and a marriage counselor. I hope you can offer me some new advice.
Two years ago I was very, very sick and beginning to be homebound. I could no longer get my teenage daughter up in the morning or pick her up from school. I would often wait for her to come home from school to find me on the floor, unable to get myself onto the couch.
An MRI revealed a growth in my brain. This disturbed my gait and caused havoc like uncontrollable peeing. I could not even walk around the block, and my house fell into a state of chaos.
I was afraid for my daughter. Her biological father wasn't mature enough to care for her, and I thought he would pilfer money intended for her. I needed someone to watch over my daughter, a good-hearted person who would never hurt her. That is where "Ed" comes into the picture.
We met four years before when I was posted to another city. Our fling was more sexual than love on my part. Now that I was looking for someone to be responsible for my daughter, I thought of Ed. He took my medical condition in stride. When I suggested we marry, he said yes with no hesitation.
It was a relief to have another adult here for my daughter before the surgery. Recovery was slow, but I now have a normal gait and can detect when I need to pee. Now that you know why I remarried, I feel the marriage has served its purpose for me. I am not in love with Ed. I am repulsed by his sluggish, dopey body.
Ed is my chauffeur and gym partner, who embarrasses me by his solicitousness. I felt guilty when he did things for me I could not do for myself, but now that I am better I don't want him around. I think Ed should understand this and not oppose me. I want a man who is decisive, someone who won't make me ill when I kiss him.
The marriage counselor gets quite upset when I say this, and Ed does not want a divorce.
Gloria
Gloria, most religions find value in a principle suggested by the 18th century philosopher Immanuel Kant. Kant said we should never treat others simply as means to our ends, but also as ends in themselves. This principle is called the categorical imperative, and it is one way to judge if an action is good or bad.
By the standard of the categorical imperative, your actions are bad. You simply used Ed as a means to your own ends. Ed is a person, not a saw or a hammer to be used by you.
Your actions remind us of Budd Schulberg's novel "What Makes Sammy Run?" In that story, Sammy Glick rises from copyboy to Hollywood mogul. Hollywood is a place where convictions are for sale, and Sammy's rise to the top is propelled by backstabbing others. Sammy double-crosses his boss to steal his job, and he dumps his good-hearted girlfriend to marry Laurette, the glamorous daughter of a banker.
The wedding occurs on Sammy's estate. After the ceremony Sammy finds his bride having sex with another man. Laurette, it turns out, is as self-centered and ruthless as Sammy. She taunts him by saying, "What have you got to gasp about?"
You couldn't get the answer you wanted from your counselor or your social worker, so you wrote us. We agree there is no future for your "marriage." But we want you to consider an ancient principle called the principle of sufficient reason. What that means is things don't just happen. They happen for a reason.
You married Ed because only Ed was willing to marry you. Now you aspire to someone aesthetically better, but that cannot be attained through despicable means.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Apr 18, 2005 by Site Admin
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