April 11, 2005
Truth Or Consequences
My husband's sister has been unfaithful to her husband for a couple of years. She made no secret about it to us and others, and her husband had an idea something was going on. I worked for her husband in a small office prior to my marriage to her brother, and I continue to work for him. I told my sister-in-law if her husband ever asked me questions, I would be honest. I refuse to lie to my boss of 15 years.
Well, my boss (her husband and my brother-in-law) finally asked me if I knew what she was up to. I told him everything. My boss called his wife and confronted her. He told her where he got this information--something I didn't expect. She immediately called me and wanted to know if I was the one who gave her husband the information.
I was horrified when I realized I was caught in the middle. I told her, "No." Later I told my husband what I had done. He was surprised, but when I reminded him we told his sister we would not lie if her husband asked questions, he seemed to understand. Please note my husband and his sister are very close.
The problem: everything seemed to blow over, but later I noticed my sister-in-law was treating me cruelly. (She does have a cruel streak which I've witnessed her pull on her friends.) I mentioned this to my husband, and he said she probably still thinks I ratted her out.
Three months later my husband tells me he told his sister I did, in fact, "rat her out." I now feel I can't trust my husband. We always had a "tell each other everything" relationship, but I don't feel that way anymore. I feel he chose his sister over me. I think that's wrong. Can you help me sort this out?
Arielle
Arielle, when your sister-in-law confronted you, you had a split second to decide what to do, and you made the wrong decision. Your original decision, to tell the truth if confronted, was the right one. Otherwise you become an accomplice to cheating.
Having decided to tell the truth, you should have continued to tell the truth. What you failed to realize was one day you would have to stand up to your sister-in-law. Your husband followed the rule you both set up: if asked directly, tell the truth. The only person who fell out of that was you.
Emerson said, "If a man dissemble, deceive, he deceives himself, and goes out of acquaintance with his own being." If you stood up to your sister-in-law, it would have brought you some discomfort, but it was the only path to psychological freedom for you.
If your sister-in-law could count on your silence, it would only help her ignore her conscience. The more you blur the line between right and wrong, the more excuses people will make and the more people will be drawn over the line. Statements like "adultery doesn't end a marriage" allow some to think they can cheat and maintain their marriage. That statement disavows the consequences of cheating.
Cheating is a knowingly done misdeed. Removing the consequences virtually all religions and legal systems allow for, encourages infidelity to occur. If professionals say stealing doesn't mean you have to go to jail, those who didn't steal out of fear of consequences, will begin to steal. As the German philosopher Hegel said, "What the law permits, it encourages."
The more people accept the idea of cheating, the less value marriage has.
Don't expect good treatment from your sister-in-law. She doesn't treat her husband with respect. Don't let her actions come between you and your husband. He followed the path of honesty. He understood what you did in spite of his close connection to his sister. Understand what he did in spite of his close connection to you.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Apr 04, 2005 by Site Admin
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