February 21, 2005
Deaf Ears
Our daughter, 29, is trying to decide whether to give her ex-boyfriend another
chance. After a two year relationship, he cheated on her with his ex-
girlfriend. He said he had to find out if his ex was the one. A year later his
ex cheated on him, and he went back to our daughter and asked for a second
chance.
Our daughter was devastated by his infidelity. It was heartbreaking. We sent
her to counseling for months. We are distraught about her giving this man a
second chance. In her loneliness she is caught in the myth of getting older and
doubting there will ever be someone else.
Our daughter's friends agree he is not her equal in education, manners, or
maturity, though he is good-looking. She says she forgave him, but she admits
trust is the issue. She tells us, "I have tried, but no one else even looks at
me twice."
She knows we distrust him. The timing of his return is mostly a reaction to his
ex-girlfriend doing to him what he did to our daughter. She wants to recover
what was, but we believe it cannot be. We don't want to control her future, but
the old saying "once a cheater always a cheater" rings in our minds.
Tom & Kate
Tom & Kate, your daughter might be willing to break off with this man if you
could give her the exact date and time the right man will show up. But since
you cannot give her that, she won't believe it can happen.
Often when a woman clings to an inappropriate man, there is one thing about the
man which is a peg she can hang her hat on. Most commonly that peg is physical
attractiveness. Your daughter pictures herself entering a room on his arm.
That allows her to ignore his cheating, though it also makes him attractive to
other women.
Your letter tells us how much you love your daughter. All you can do is be
there for her. Whatever rational reasons you give her for ending the
relationship will go unheeded because her irrational fear is telling her it is
him or no one. Faced with a life alone, with no other man ever, she clings to a
man who cheated on her and feeds her low self-esteem.
Wayne & Tamara
No Prize
I had a five month relationship with a gentleman and thought we were oddly made
for each other. He would call me every morning and sing to me over the phone
while I walked the dog. When he took me out to dinner, he brought me small
plants or flowers.
Last Saturday while in my bathroom he got a call from someone, obviously a woman
by the tone in his voice. He tells her he is washing his hands and will call
her back when he is free, meaning when he is out of my house. The lie falls
from his lips so easily I am shocked. He comes out of the bathroom and grabs my
hand to walk him to his car. As we leave the house, I say, "Don't forget to
call her back." He says, "Oh, that was just some real estate lady."
He kisses me like he's my uncle. When I ask why the perfunctory kiss, he says
he doesn't know. Did I not read the signs correctly? I haven't heard from him
since.
Faith
Faith, maybe you missed the early signs, but calling the relationship "oddly"
right suggests you sensed something was amiss. The blitzkrieg pursuit may have
felt like he was trying to accomplish something rather than express something
which came naturally.
Trusting your natural instincts led you to confront him. He disappeared. You
hit the nail on the head. Many women would have let that go by, hoping to win
him like a Kewpie doll. You knew better.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Feb 28, 2005 by Site Admin
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