January 10, 2005
Self-determination
I am 25, and my father was an alcoholic all my life until two years ago. My
older brother is an alcoholic in denial. He's a sweet guy but, even when sober,
can be snappy. I'm worried because I don't want to go through what my mum has
gone through. Her brother is an alcoholic, and she is responsible for him even
now.
My younger brother seems okay, but I'm scared something will happen to him as
well. I love my family and have taken a lot of their baggage and put it upon
myself. I remember my mother saying to me when I was 13, "Stop thinking like a
43-year-old." (Her age at the time.)
To heighten the unpredictability of living with an alcoholic father, my dad is a
diplomat, and our family hasn't lived under the same roof for 14 years. We all
have been affected by him, in the broadest sense, as his diplomacy gave us
opportunities otherwise unavailable. However, that was paired with hurt and
disappointment.
I was bulimic from 17 to 22. I had counseling and now understand why I was the
way I was. I would like to go to counseling with my brother. A colleague of
mine said I need to let go and start my own life, but he's my brother.
My boyfriend is also the child of an alcoholic, but that comforts me as I think
"I'll look after you." I want so desperately to feel settled. My mum is
superwoman. Only God knows what she's had to put up with. We are where we are
today because of her perseverance.
Emma
Emma, in C.S. Lewis' book "That Hideous Strength" a character must choose sides.
One side promises him power, but they have framed him for a murder. That group
feeds his negative wants. The other group contains people he wishes he was
like, but they don't make him promises for the future or feed his negative
energy.
The man begs for time to decide. He wants something from both groups. He seeks
a middle ground. During his hour of indecision he is arrested for murder and
thrown in a tiny cell. Alone, he realizes what he's allowed the negative things
in life to do to him.
You also seek a middle ground. You admit to the devastating impact of alcohol
on your life, yet you cling to the ideal of the perfect family, one untouched by
alcohol. That is not your reality. You credit your mother with strength, yet
at 13 you acted like 43. Why? Because you were trying to parent the people
around you. The adults did not possess the strength you needed.
Your will is to make the people around you different because you want them
different, but you don't have that right. You don't have the power to change
who your father is, who your brothers are, or who anyone is but yourself. You
proved that. You worked on your bulimia, understood its roots, and overcame it.
Even though things are not working the way you want them to work, there is an
underlying rightness in this situation. We each have free will. Even though
your intentions are good, you cannot run over someone else's will.
We are born as individuals on this planet for a reason. Our first duty is to
ourselves. Our first job is to keep ourselves alive and whole. If we don't, we
are of no use to anyone else. To have a purpose which cannot succeed, because
it is not in our power to make it succeed, is to waste what we have.
Do what is right for you--what you can succeed in doing so your energies are not
wasted. Take your colleague's advice. Let go of their lives, and begin your
own. That's the only life you get to rule, the only life you get to run, and
the only life you can actually ruin.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. |
Posted on Feb 28, 2005 by Site Admin
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