December 27, 2004
Unpleasant Truths
My in-laws have continually treated me as a second-class person with respect to
my husband, their son. My husband and I both have Ph.D.s, and we both are on
the faculty at a research university. He is older, but I am a professor with a
career and a purpose, also. I work full-time, cook every meal, clean our home,
and I take impeccable care of myself because my husband deserves a fit, happy
wife.
Still, from his parents, I am not as worthy as their son. I receive Christmas
cards addressed to Dr. and Mrs. instead of Drs, and when I speak about a topic
on which I am an authority, they pretend not to hear me. They wait and ask the
same information of my husband, who they immediately believe. If the
conversation is not about how wonderful their son is, they have nothing to say.
I am happy to brag on my spouse all day long, but the inequity of treatment
hurts after seven years of marriage. As a result, when I see them, I am angry
and resentful, overly loud and dogmatic, because I feel stepped on and
undervalued. I am constantly mistaken on campus for a secretary (I am very
young), and I handle that diplomatically and pleasantly, but these people know
better.
Gabrielle
Gabrielle, when we are young, we learn where babies come from. This knowledge
is called "the facts of life." As we grow older, we learn other facts of life,
and sometimes these facts are unpleasant.
The unpleasant fact you are facing is your in-laws' attitude. He is their son,
and you are nothing to them. If you have children, they will be his children
and their grandchildren. That is their attitude. You want a reasoned, kind way
of changing their attitude, but you have been trying for years with no success.
Why not accept your in-laws and recognize them for who they are? Each Christmas
card is not a slap at you, it is simply mamma writing to her son. You don't
have the ability to change who they are by your desire.
Wayne & Tamara
Self-Portrait
I love my fiancé with all my heart and spirit, but I am receiving mixed signals
from my future mother-in-law. First, I want to say I never planned on marriage,
and I don't want children because I am selfish. I will not be a good little
housewife and cater to my man's every need, but I will love him the best and
only way I know how.
My fiancé tells me his parents only want what will make us happy, and they want
to see me at their house every week or two. But when my man is not around, his
mother says things like, "You should give up being an artist and do nursing for
the benefits." Or she says, "I was a housewife and will soon retire. I need
someone else to cook big dinners for the holidays."
She got me to stay for Easter though I told them I did not want to. I even
helped her cook dinner because she gave me this look that made me shrink inside.
Now I don't want to hurt her, but I need to let her know who I am. What should
I do?
Caroline
Caroline, for some reason good people have gotten it into their heads that they
are not allowed to say the word "no." When you let your fiancé's mother have
her way, you are lying to her about who you are. When you stand up to her, you
are telling her the truth.
Some people will balk and say you should give in to your future mother-in-law,
but you cannot sustain that for the next 25 years. You are who you are, and
when you let false politeness dictate your actions, you diminish who you are.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Posted on Feb 28, 2005 by Site Admin
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